Source of
book: Audiobook borrowed from my brother
Ah yes, time
for another Discworld audiobook to make the miles go by quickly. Unseen Academicals
is the 37th Discworld novel, and the last in the Rincewind/wizards series.
However, I think that it stands alone reasonably well as long as the reader
knows some basic Discworld realities, and is familiar with the Unseen
University denizens. We previously read or listened to the first four Rincewind
novels, so it was no problem to pick up the story.
The basic
setup of the plot is this: it comes to the attention of the indolent and
incompetent faculty of Unseen University that a rather large bequest (which
enables their indolent lifestyle and lavish feasting) is contingent on the
university fielding a football (soccer, for Americans…) team. This is
problematic both because of the general lack of athleticism of the faculty and
students, and because football in Ankh-Morpork is mob football, an often fatal
and always violent enterprise.
To solve
this conundrum, the wizards join forces with Lord Vetinari (the Machiavellian
ideal of a dictator - and I mean that in a good way...mostly), who wishes to regulate
and civilize the sport. In order to do this, new rules need to be invented, and
then promulgated in a way that will be accepted by the mob football
traditionalists. The Archchancellor, Mustrum Ridcully, who is pretty much
incompetent at everything, nominates Ponder Stibbons to figure things
out.
Stibbons is
an interesting character in the series. He is arguably the only truly competent
faculty member other than the Librarian, and has created a rudimentary
artificial intelligence, HEX, using ants and rats and other things. Over the
years, he has accumulated a plethora of titles, until he basically runs the
university. An interesting side note here is that Stibbons cannot grow a beard,
and looks - in the illustrations - more than a bit like...Harry Potter.
Since the Discworld books - including the illustrations - came out years before
Potter, any “borrowing” must have been done by J. K. Rowling. And Ponder,
Potter, hmm…
Draw your own conclusions...
Since this
is Terry Pratchett, it is easy to guess that hilarity will ensue. And it
definitely does. Much of the book is a parody of football culture, from its mob
days to its modern English Premier League incarnation. Pratchett also pokes fun
at university sports culture, ludicrous ancient rituals at said colleges, and
sports interview cliches. But that isn’t all. At its core, the book is about
belonging - inclusion and exclusion. Along with that comes a pointed look at
the generational trauma of slavery and colonialism, the dynamics of bullying,
prejudice, and more. Oh, and then you have the parodies of Romeo and Juliet,
the fashion industry, and psychology. Whew! It’s quite a ride, and there are so
very many pithy quotes.
So how did
it get there from football? Well, a university doesn’t run on magic alone. It
takes a large staff to keep the candles lit, the wizards fed, and the place
reasonably clean. The basement servants’ quarters are full of people too,
including some of Pratchett’s best characters. The genius (Lord Vetinari’s words)
of the kitchen is Glenda Sugarbean, a kindhearted if a bit daunting woman, who
rules all things culinary in the university. She fiercely looks out for Juliet,
a gorgeous but not particularly bright young woman entrusted to her care.
(Juliet’s parents are more interested in drinking away her earnings.) Also
downstairs are Trevor Likely, in love with Juliet, and brilliant footballer;
and Mr. Nutt, an odd character of mysterious background. Ah yes, Mr. Nutt. He
is a savant, highly educated, and looks kind of like a goblin. He is obsessed
with “attaining worth,” and thus works exceedingly hard. It is he who ends up
with the job of coaching the football team. It turns out that Nutt spent his
formative years chained to an anvil, before being freed and educated by Lady
Margolatta. Also, he is an orc, which he has to discover through
psychoanalysis.
Orcs, as any
fantasy fan would know, are not goblins, although they can be similar. While
goblins occur in nature, orcs were created to be fighting machines. In the Discworld
universe, they were created by the eagles to supply a sentient weapon for the
armies back in the days of the Evil Empire. But they were not made from
goblins. As Lady Margolotta (who has protected the few remaining orcs after
they were slaughtered for being an inconvenient reminder of the past) puts it,
“But the Orcs were made from men, you know, not goblins.” Vetinari replies,
“No. However, now that you tell me it, it’s patently obvious. Goblins would not
have been nearly ferocious enough.”
The book
thus centers around two sets of characters. The wizards try to figure out how
to field a football team and keep their feasts going. Oh, and feud with a
neighboring university. At the same time, Glenda, Juliet, Trevor, and Nutt have
their own challenges and adventures. They overlap and combine, of course, with
football at the core.
Juliet
becomes a model for Dwarf fashions (that’s as amusing as it sounds), Trevor is
torn between his promise to his late Mum that he would never play football and
his obvious skills, Nutt seeks to understand himself and become worthy, and
Glenda has to be the mastermind keeping the rest out of trouble.
Here are the
quotes I liked the best, starting with this exchange between Lord Vetinari and
his secretary:
“The female mind is certainly a devious
one, my lord."
Vetinari looked at his secretary in
surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”
By this
point in the series, Vetinari has become one of the best characters, with
shrewd powers of observation, and a knack for soft politics that seems missing
in our own time. He is the first to identify Glenda as the brilliant person she
is, and his handling of a very volatile situation surrounding football is
politics at its best.
Near the end,
he finally lets down his guard for a second, in a rather interesting scene.
Lady Margolotta is pretty shrewd herself, but she also has the blindness of one
who is used to being the benevolent benefactor. With her inherited wealth and
title, she doesn’t see underlings as equals, so she is condescending to Nutt,
even as she does him immense good. She totally underestimates Glenda. Vetinari
finds this amusing, because while he may or may not have the book learning
Margolotta does, he has years of avoiding assassination, and thus reads people
extremely well. At the end of the book, she asks Nutt if he is willing to go
meet others of his kind and raise them up from the degradation they have
suffered.
“Many bad things were done under the
Evil Empire" she said. "The best we can do now is undo them. Will you
assist in this endeavor?"
"In every way that I can"
said Nutt.
"I would like you to teach them
civilized behavior," said Ladyship coldly.
He appeared to consider this.
"Yes, of course, I think, that would be quite possible," he said.
"And who would you send to teach the humans?"
There was a brief outburst of laughter
from Vetinari, who immediately cupped his hand over his mouth. "Oh I do
beg your pardon," he said.”
There is
more than a little of the charity woman in this portrayal. You know, the
missionary spirit: go “civilize” the “savages” in the third world. The great
white savior complex, so to speak - memorably portrayed by Harrison Ford in the
somewhat obscure movie Mosquito Coast.
Like Nutt, I often ask myself who will come teach Americans how to be decent,
moral, Christian people. Because we sure need it. On a related note:
“Juliet's version of cleanliness was
next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and
was seldom seen.”
I’ve spent
much of my life around that kind of “godliness.” For that matter, how about
this bit from Vetinari, perhaps channelling Darwin?
“The Patrician took a sip of his beer.
“I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect I never will again,
but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along
the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing
sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived
into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged
on to a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive,
the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as
they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters, who scrambled over
themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother
and children dining on mother and children. And that’s when I first learned
about evil. It is built into the nature of the universe. Every world spins in
pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of
us to become his moral superior.”
Something to
think about, in any case, whatever your belief about the Divine.
Oh, and here
is another Vetinari gem:
“Peace?' said Vetinari. 'Ah, yes,
defined as a period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.”
On a rather
lighter note, how about this one?
“It is considered in the Sto Plains
that only scoundrels know the second verse of their national anthem, since
anyone spending time memorizing that would be up to no good purpose.”
Of course,
it is our third verse of the national anthem that is quite problematic -
the one talking about how the slaves who sought refuge with the British would
be slaughtered. Not good. But the quote is quite amusing. And probably
true.
'Oh, you know the sort of thing if you
read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. 'I seriously think they think that it is
their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be
overexcited and very worried.’
A good bit
to that one too.
Poetry fans
(or haters) will appreciate this one:
“Nutt was technically an expert on love
poetry throughout the ages and had discussed it at length with Miss
Healstether, the castle librarian. He had also tried to discuss it with
Ladyship, but she had laughed and said it was frivolity, although quite helpful
as a tutorial on the use of vocabulary, scansion, rhythm and affect as a means
to an end, to wit getting a young lady to take all her clothes off. At that
particular point, Nutt had not really understood what she meant. It sounded
like some sort of conjuring trick.”
As usual,
Pratchett is brilliant when discussing prejudice. All the things that
“everybody knows” but also are not true. Things like “orcs eat people” or
pretty much anything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth about non-whites.
It is when we fool ourselves into believing these untrue things - and acting on
them - that we cause great damage to the world.
“Sometimes people fool themselves into
believing things that aren't true. Sometimes that can be quite dangerous for
the person. They see the world in a wrong way. They won't let themselves see
that what they believe is wrong. But often there is a part of the mind that
does know, and the right words can let it out.”
There are so
many more great moments. The ludicrous German titles of Discworld psychology
books. The many references to literature where famous lines are warped into
parodies. The naughty references which go completely over Juliet’s head. Oh,
and Pepe. I can’t forget him - the street urchin re-made as a flamboyant
pseudo-French assistant to the Dwarf fashionista.
I could go
on and on. But anyway, this is a hilarious book, full of “Easter Eggs” for the
literary sorts, and moral and empathetic to its core. We love Terry Pratchett
around here, and I only regret that I didn’t discover him until I was in my
late thirties.
This
audiobook was narrated by the delightful Stephen Briggs. We also like Nigel
Planer, who is more likely to be on the earlier books than the later ones. I
wouldn’t start with this book if you are new to Discworld, but definitely come
back and read it after getting your bearings.
***
The Discworld Wiki is a good source for
understanding the references and the world itself.
For
information about reading order and how things connect, this page is helpful.
***
The Terry
Pratchett list:
Rincewind:
Tiffany
Aching:
Witches:
Watch:
Guards! Guards!
(Stupid abridged edition, which is an abomination.)
Non-Discworld:
