Monday, March 10, 2025

The Street by Ann Petry

Source of book: I own this.

 

Quick trivia question: what was the first book by an African American woman to sell over a million copies? 

 

No, it wasn’t something by Maya Angelou or Toni Morrison. It was Ann Petry’s 1946 novel, The Street

 

As regular readers know, I choose a couple of books to read for Black History Month each year. This year, I chose Dusk of Dawn by W. E. B. Du Bois, and The Street. It turns out that I ended up reading four total books, because I added Gwendolyn Brooks and Virginia Hamilton. A good month, for sure. 

 

You can find the list of books here. You can read my thoughts on Black History Month here

 

Black History Month is more important than ever, in an era when DUI hire Pete Hegseth and his bosses, Trump and Musk, are systematically purging Black History from government websites, firing well qualified women and minorities, and generally trying to Make America White Again. 

 

            *DUI: Drunk, Unqualified, and Incompetent

 

As I have done many times, I encourage everyone to seek out works by black authors. Borrow them from your library. Buy them. Share them with friends. Talk about them in person and online. Call out the assholes who spew bullshit like “only white men have ever accomplished anything great.” Because it is utter bullshit

 

Ann Petry grew up at the edge of middle class, and made the most of it. She was the only black teen in her high school to graduate, and she would go on to earn her PhD. She had a few advantages due to her family situation, but she experienced plenty of prejudice, including from a teacher who had her read the illiterate slave parts in books. 

 

Back to this particular book. The Street is not an easy book to read. It is dark, often violent, and pessimistic. It is also powerful because it tells the truth. 

 

I would in some significant ways, compare this book to the social novels of Charles Dickens. Petry exposes the systemic injustice and cruelty that creates and maintains poverty. As in Dickens, children suffer, women suffer, the system grinds everyone in some way or another. 

 

Unlike Dickens, who wrote in a different era, Petry does not merely hint at the sexual exploitation of women. The expectation that attractive women “put out” to survive is shown in all its evil and vulgarity. 

 

I can see why the book sold, however. Petry’s writing is incredible, with descriptions that made the details of the story come alive. 

 

For example, did you know that poverty has a smell? I grew up in working class neighborhoods, which were a combination of people living in reasonable security, and households that were constantly on the brink of bankruptcy. There is absolutely a smell, that anyone who knows, knows. I can’t explain it, but Petry re-creates it in the book. 

 

She also captures the grossness of entitled men looking for a woman to fuck and dump. The obese old white man who gets off on young black women. The ex-military super who simmers with fury that his youth and charm has faded, leaving him unable to get laid at will. The sleazy quasi-gangster who figures to get a piece of what his white boss expects. It’s all very gross, and the writing is so good that it will totally creep you out. 

 

Petry also captures the dynamics of poverty so well. Which also intersects with the issues that white people love to dismiss as “black culture,” but which are really rooted in systemic racism. And also with the way the American Dream is largely a lie - particularly the part that says anyone can raise themselves from poverty by simply saving more. 

 

The other reason why the book likely sold well is that it is more than a little lurid. I won’t reveal the twist in the final chapter, but I can guarantee you it isn’t what you expect to happen. 

 

I won’t give away the plot, but I think for purposes of understanding the themes, at least the premise is necessary. 

 

The book is mostly from the perspective of Lutie Johnson, a young mother who is trying to find a better life for her son. (There are other perspectives here and there in the book, which makes things interesting. All the characters, good and bad, have interesting back stories, and are far from caricatures - they have a mix of good and bad.) 

 

The problem is, life has dealt Lutie a bad hand. 

 

Initially happily married, the marriage goes south, and for an entirely predictable reason. Then as now, black men have the highest unemployment rate in the country. There are a whole host of intersecting and related factors for this (check out this Brookings breakdown), but they all stem from systemic and historic factors including poor schools, lack of job offers made to black men, and low quality of those offers. 

 

So, Lutie’s husband can’t get a job. What to do? Well, eventually, not wanting to starve and all, or have her child starve, she takes a job working as a domestic servant in a white household. This pays the bills, but…

 

It’s a big but. Her husband, feeling emasculated, finds his virility with another woman. 

 

This is an underrated reason why impoverished family tend to break up. I have seen a lot of it in my practice over the years, and it is tied to psychological factors: male worth and virtue is equated with money, and systemic social issues: good jobs are not available for many men - not just black men, although they bear the most burden here. 

 

By the way, two African American authors that I love, W. E. B. Du Bois and Albert Murray, wrote in detail about this issue. It is so easy to blame “culture” for poverty, rather than look at the real problem, which is that poverty itself - specifically the lack of well-paying, stable employment - creates these “cultural” problems. 

 

As the book puts it:

 

Jim’s face had been open, honest, young. Come to think of it, when she and Jim got married it looked as though it should have been a happy, successful marriage. They were young enough and enough in love to have made a go of it. It always came back to the same thing. Jim couldn’t find a job. 

So day by day, month by month, big broad-shouldered Jim Johnson went to pieces because there wasn’t any work for him and he couldn’t earn anything at all. He got used to facing the fact that he couldn’t support his wife and child. It ate into him. Slowly, bit by bit, it undermined his belief in himself until he could no longer bear it. And he got himself a woman so that in those moments when he clutched her close to him in bed he could prove that he was still needed, wanted. His self-respect was momentarily restored through the woman’s desire for him. Thus, too, he escaped from the dreary monotony of his existence. 

 

So, with a young child, Lutie has really only two options. She can live with her father and his latest girlfriend - who plies her child with gin when Lutie is working - or she can find an apartment of her own.

 

This is what she does, renting a tiny, dark apartment in Harlem. Try as she may, she cannot actually get ahead, and all it takes is a small problem to bring it all crashing down. 

 

Don’t think here that the book is simplistic, or that it simply blames white people. Rather, it personifies “The Street” - which is both the literal Harlem street, and also the overall system which keeps people in poverty. And in that, I can say from my experience living and working with people on the edge, the book is accurate and compelling. 

 

I did want to share some of the truly beautiful writing in this book. I think Petry is up there with other lyricists of the 20th Century. It is true craft. 

 

Let’s start with the opening. 

 

There was a cold November wind blowing through 116th Street. It rattled the tops of the garbage cans, sucked window shades out through the top of opened windows and set them flapping back against the windows; and it drove most of the people off the street in the block between Seventh and Eighth Avenues except for a few hurried pedestrians who bent double in an effort to offer the least possible exposed surface to its violent assault. 

It found every scrap of paper along the street - theater throwaways, announcements of dances and lodge meetings, the heavy waxed paper that loaves of bread had been wrapped in, the thinner waxed paper that had enclosed sandwiches, old envelopes, newspapers. Finger its way along the curb, the wind set the bits of paper dancing high in the air, so that a barrage of paper swirled into the faces of the people on the street. It even took time to rush into doorways and areaways and find chicken bones and pork-chop bones and pushed them along the curb. 

It did everything it could to discourage the people walking along the street. It found all the dirt and dust and grime on the sidewalk and lifted it up so that the dirt got into their noses, making it difficult to breathe; the dust got into their eyes and blinded them; and the grit stung their skins. It wrapped newspaper around their feet entangling them until the people cursed deep in their throats, stamped their feet, kicked at the paper. The wind blew it back again and again until they were forced to stoop and dislodge the paper with their hands. And then the wind grabbed their hats, pried their scarves from around their necks, stuck its fingers inside their coat collars, blew their coats away from their bodies. 

 

If you can’t find yourself feeling literally on that street… And it also serves as a great metaphor for the street itself and the inexorable grinding of poverty throughout the book. 

 

The mean apartment building gets its own description, and here too, I know what these places are like. 

 

The hall was dark. The low-wattage bulb in the ceiling shed just enough light so that you wouldn’t actually fall over - well, a piano that someone had left at the foot of the stairs; so that you could see the outlines of - oh, possibly an elephant if it were dragged in from the street by some enterprising tenant. 

 

And, of course, the smell of poverty. 

 

She was conscious that all the little rooms smelt exactly alike. It was a mixture that contained the faint persistent odor of gas, of old walls, dusty plaster, and over it all the heavy, sour smell of garbage - a smell that seeped through the dumb-waiter shaft. 

 

The first introduction to Jones, the super, is not flattering. And to be sure, he is one of the villains in this book - perhaps the most nefarious. But he gets half a chapter where his own trauma and backstory and feelings get shown - it’s not a caricature. Lutie, however, senses the darkness inside him. 

 

Granny would have said, “Nothin’ but evil, child. Some folks so full of it you can feel it comin’ at you - oozin’ right out of their skins.”

 

I also noted a scene in a flashback, where Lutie experiences the way the upper-middle-class white women respond to her. There is this casual assumption that she is out to steal their husbands. After all, black people are hyper-sexual, right? And it has nothing to do with their husbands fetishizing women they can take advantage of without consequence, right? 

 

It didn’t make her angry at first. Just contemptuous. They didn’t know she had a big handsome husband of her own; that she didn’t want any of their thin unhappy husbands. But she wondered why they all had the idea that colored girls were whores. 

 

Of course, it isn’t just women of color who are dismissed as whores. The Madonna/Slut dichotomy is alive and well. This line, though, really resonated with me, having put up with a decade and a half of my sister making these kind of false accusations against my wife, who was clearly out to seduce each of my sister’s partners in turn. Just like this wore on Lutie, it wore on my wife. 

 

Unfortunately, for Lutie, it wasn’t her that cheated - it was her husband, looking to restore his lost machismo. 

 

Another scene that was memorable is one involving Min, the super’s live-in lover. Or whatever she is, now that he has eyes only for Lutie and wants to get rid of her. She would rather get him back, so she goes to see this magic guy called The Prophet, for charms to get her way. (For more about this sort of practice, check out Zora Neale Hurston’s ethnographic work, Mules and Men.)

 

This is interesting because, unlike Hurston, who seems to take voodoo as if it worked, Petry describes it as “working” because the super and Min believe it does. There is no magic, just the psychology that the super won’t or can’t touch a magic cross. 

 

And also, Petry is entirely right about why The Prophet is so successful. 

 

Then he shook hands with her and she thought talking to him had been the most satisfying experience she had ever known. True, he hadn’t said very much except toward the last when he was telling her how to use the things. The satisfaction she felt was from the quiet way he had listened to her, giving her all his attention. No one had ever done that before. 

 

This is in contrast to her doctors, and the many others she sought help from at various times. I find that listening is a big part of lawyering too - one that can’t really be replaced by AI or a website. 

 

Lutie tries her best to find some way of bettering herself. She is hard working, frugal, and intelligent. But domestic work simply doesn’t pay enough, and she doesn’t have other options. She briefly thinks she may be able to get a singing job from Boots Smith, but the problem is - like it is in so many other ways of getting money - that the price is something she refuses to pay. “There wasn’t any inducement he could offer that would make her sleep with him.”

 

And when I say Lutie is frugal, the whole street really is. Food deserts aren’t anything new, as this passage notes. 

 

She thought about the stores again. All of them - the butcher shops, the notion stores, the vegetable stands - all of them sold the leavings, the sweepings, the impossible unsalable merchandise, the dregs and dross that were reserved especially for Harlem. 

 

Boots has made his money, essentially by being a lackey to Junto, the white slumlord and shady proprietor. He has his own car, and Petry describes so well the way it makes him feel. Keep this in mind when you hear white people complain about black people with fancy cars. 

 

Because in that one moment of passing a white man in a car they could feel good and the good feeling would last long enough so that they could hold their heads up the next day and the day after that. And the white people in the cars hated it because - and her mind stumbled over the thought and then went on - because possibly they, too, needed to go on feeling superior. Because if they didn’t, it upset the delicate balance of the world they moved in when they could see for themselves that a black man in a ratclap car could overtake and pass them on a hill. Because if there was nothing left for them but that business of feeling superior to black people, and that was taken away even for the split second of one car going ahead of another, it left them with nothing. 

 

Did I mention how much I love Petry’s writing? That’s downright poetic. 

 

I also want to mention another scene, with Lutie having to go out at night to sing, and 8 year old Bub left home alone in the dark. 

 

It was worse with his eyes open, because he couldn’t see anything and he kept imagining that the whole room was changing and shifting about him. He peered into the dark, trying to see what was going on. He sat up and then he lay down again and pulled the covers over his head. There was an even stranger quality to the black under the covers. He shut his eyes and then opened them immediately afterward, not knowing what he expected to find nestling beside him under the sheets, but afraid to look and afraid not to look. 

 

Another perceptive passage is about making music at a club or event or wedding. If you know, you know. 

 

It doesn’t really make much difference who sings or whether they sing badly or well, because nobody really listens. They’re making love or quarreling or drinking or dancing.  

 

I’ll end with this description, which is another brilliant bit of observation. 

 

Yes, she thought, if you were born black and not too ugly, this is what you get, this is what you find. It was a pity he hadn’t lived in the days of slavery, so he could have raided the slave quarters for a likely wench any hour of the day or night. This is the superior race, she said to herself, take a good long look at him: black, oily hair, slack, gross body; grease spots on his vest; wrinkled shirt collar; cigar ashes on his suit; small pig eyes engulfed in the fat of his face. 

 

Remind you of anyone in the MAGA movement? The superior race indeed… 

 

Despite its dark tone, the book moves quickly and keeps you reading. And, as I said, that surprise at the end - it’s definitely more than expected. 












Thursday, March 6, 2025

Going Out With Peacocks and Other Poems by Ursula Le Guin

Source of book: I own this. 

 

Ursula Le Guin was primarily known for her science fiction stories and novels, four of which have made it into this blog:

 

The Left Hand of Darkness

The Dispossessed

Gifts

The Lathe of Heaven

 

Less known is her poetry, although it appears that it was well respected during her lifetime, and seems to me to have held up quite well. Although she wrote poems at the beginning of her career, most of what she published came late in life, with nine collections published after age 60. Going Out With Peacocks was published in 1994.


 

This volume is one my wife found for me recently, a used former library hardback. 

 

The poems in this collection cover a wide range of topics, from nature to aging to feminism. Many take classical mythology and put a bit of a twist on them - one where Ariadne and the Minotaur are actually friends, and she hides him from Perseus, for example. There is plenty of wit and a bit of an edge to Le Guin’s writing, even more so than her novels in a way. Because she can “say things slant,” she puts just a hint of the razor behind the wit. 

 

Here are my favorites from this collection:

 

Last of August

 

In what meter does the wind blow on a river?

Can I know the clear feet of the water?

And older measure, longer yet suddener.

Boulders under the bright flood mutter

of the mountains, imitating thunder.

A dead tree on the other short falls in one slow drumbeat.

 

Le Guin lived much of her life in Portland, Oregon - The Lathe of Heaven is set there - and hiked and explored a lot of the west coast. This shows up in many places in this book, with descriptions that feel very familiar to me. I love the above poem for its tying of nature and poetry in rhythm, not mere description. 

 

This next one reminds me a lot of my kids, who, where it is permitted, have tended to collect rocks. 

 

Keeping Rocks

 

Rocks hold down my flying

papers, my worktable,

my house. I hold me down

with the rocks I put in my pockets.

I keep away from rivers.

Weighty little chunks

of my country

hold me to it

ever more nearly.

 

Le Guin was a cat person, and wrote a number of poems about cats. One new development of the last year is that my little Toffee, who likely was abandoned and found her way to our house, has gone from house cat to lap cat. (Having previously gone from barnyard cat to house cat - she’s ambitious and moving up in the world…) So this poem seems a good bit about her. 

 

Sleeping with Cats

 

In smoothness of darkness are

warm lumps of silence.

There are no species.

Purring recurs. 


 

One of my favorite places in California is Prairie Creek Redwoods, a state park within Redwood National Park. We have camped there a couple of times, and will be returning later this year. 

 

The Klamath River runs just north of the park, with its mouth flanked by cliffs covered in trees and wild beaches often shrouded in fog. There are little springs all down the cliff. Recently, the dams along the river were removed, returning the salmon to its historical range. Oh, and they have been releasing condors here too. It’s pretty magical. 

 

Mouth of the Klamath

 

The month of the river

sucks at the springs in the mountains.

It is her thighs that open here

wide among sandbars to the sea.

She lies down long, the river, and her salmon

swim up her and breeding die, and she 

gives herself and all her children to the sea,

the sea that likes down long and wide

to nurse the sky with rainy milk

that the mountains are sucking

from the soft breasts of the fog. 

 

The next one is political, and I think it fits our present moment and my feelings about it really well. 

 

Processing Words

 

I want to dream out words of anger

on this machine that states my mind

in this late summer night that leans to fall.

 

Kind and stately buildings lean to fall,

the Libraries, the Public Schools; the dream

of a republic of the mind is undermined.

 

The hunger of poverty is hunger,

the hunger of satiety is anger.

The state of war is a machine

 

that holds a lien on minds and words.

The kind republic that we dreamed

of building falls to night. 

 

Also related are the words of D. L. Mayfield, in an essay published today. Many of us dream of creating a “kind republic,” a society that cares for everyone, not one based on dominance, violence, and hate - the kind MAGA dreams of creating for us all to suffer in. 

 

I was raised by people who have no real wisdom, and no sense of a future that is based in anything other than white male grievance politics. The older I have gotten, and the more my parents have claimed that I have become brainwashed by the left, the more I have come to understand that they have been telling on themselves this whole time. They have willingly consumed decades and decades of white supremacist patriarchal Christian propaganda, and are angry and heartbroken that it did not work on me like it did on them. 

 

Like Le Guin, I sit here at my machine that processes my words, and I am angry at what is being done to undermine schools, libraries, and freedom of thought. We could and should be building a better republic, not tearing it down. 

 

This next one is a bit lighter, to take the edge off the bitterness. 

 

A True Story

 

My friend got Vachel Lindsay into her computer

and couldn’t get him out. He’d hide but not delete.

She’d be bringing up a spreadsheet

and up would come the Congo, gold and black,

or in the middle of a catalog of rare editions

there’d be General Booth entering heaven

and the drums beating, or that prairie bird singing

sweet - sweet - sweet -

 

Try WordPerfect, people said, try Microsoft Word.

But she was afraid

she might get Whitman, maybe even Milton.

She guessed she’d stay with Vachel

and the prairie bird. 

 

I’d be willing to risk Milton, although I suspect Whitman would never shut up or come to the point. 

 

Several of the poems are dedicated to Le Guin’s children. This one is interesting. 

 

Song for Caroline

 

Near can be turned to far,

Sea can be turned to land.

You will not turn from what you are

            For any man.

 

Where your heart goes, go,

Where your soul is, stand.

Do not be moved from what you know

            By any man.

 

Le Guin’s relationship to males is interesting. She was married, apparently happily, for most of her life. However, she hinted that she resented not being able to pursue her doctorate due to following her husband, and the demands of motherhood. In the end, she had the last laugh, as her career eventually overshadowed everything else. 

 

She also kept her hair cut short, and explored androgyny in various ways throughout her writing. An advocate for feminism, she certainly did not think women should order their lives around catering to men. A bit like my own wife in that way, for sure. 

 

Perhaps the reimagining of the legend of the Minotaur fits with this idea. 

 

Ariadne Dreams

 

The beat of sleep is all my mind.

I am my rhyme. I wind the ball

deeper and deeper in the maze

to find the meeting of the ways, 

to find before the hero finds

the prisoner of the Labyrinth,

the horn-crowned horror at the end

of all the corridors, my friend.

I lead him forth. He kneels to graze

where the grass grows thick above the tomb

and the light moves among the days.

The hero finds an empty room.

I seek my rhyme. I dance my will,

vaulting the wide horns of the bull.

The waves beat. What woman weeps

on the far seacoast of my sleep?

 

Let’s end with this one. 

 

The Hard Dancing

 

Dancing on the sun is hard,

it burns your feet, you have to leap

higher and higher into the dark,

until you somersault to sleep.

The mountains of the sun are steep,

rising to shadow at the crown,

the valleys of the sun are deep

and ever brighter deeper down. 

 

Good stuff - I’d love to find more of her poetry in the future. Definitely read her books and stories, but don’t overlook the poetry. 

 

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

What the HELL Happened to My Parents?

“I am who my parents raised me to be.” ~ Me. And tens of thousands of frustrated children of parents who have gone MAGA. 

 

For those who haven’t picked up on it from other posts, I am estranged from my parents, and have been for five or six years, depending on how you count it. 

 

I haven’t had a non-hostile interaction with my mother since 2019, before the pandemic. I haven’t seen my father in nearly five years, and the last time, he was clearly angry with me. 

 

It’s not like this came out of the blue. I haven’t had a functional relationship with my mother since I hit puberty, and it got much worse once I got married. She hated my wife from the beginning, and spent years antagonizing her and trying to control her and our lives. 

 

My relationship with my dad had been on the slow decline for some time as well, both because of his refusal to acknowledge, let alone take action regarding my mom and sister and their abuse of my wife, but also because of the way he changed politically, religiously, and morally over the past couple of decades. 

 

Looking back, I have been mourning the death of the good people who raised me for a long time, and the break was just the culmination of many years of growing apart in our core values.

 

As I noted above, I literally am who my parents raised me to be. The good values they taught me as a child are now the ones they have rejected and, in essence, have chosen to punish me for retaining. 

 

***

 

For many of us who grew up in the Fundamentalist Evangelical subculture, we have found ourselves with broken family relationships. As we have looked back, many have realized that the problems were always there. 

 

For example, many, while shocked that their parents embraced Trump’s white supremacy and misogyny, realized that their parents were always like this, that they just used dog whistles rather than saying it openly. 

 

Actually, that is NOT my own experience, which is why I have found the present to be so incredibly disorienting. 

 

My parents changed a lot over the years, and not at all in a good way. And I am not entirely sure what happened. 

 

That is why I truly feel that the good people who raised me are in fact dead, in the way Obi Wan explained to Luke. This is why I feel I have been mourning them for so many years. 

 

Don’t get me wrong. Looking back, our family was always somewhat dysfunctional, and my parents did practically worship Ronald Reagan. Yes, there were issues. But on many things, my parents are literally 180 degrees different from what they were and what they taught and modeled for me. 

 

Note: much of what I will say here could apply just as much to the Evangelical faith I was raised in, or to the United States of America. Both have, to a significant degree, changed in the direction of evil over the past several decades. I truly feel like I do not recognize either for what they were when I was a child. The good is mostly or entirely dead, and a monster has taken its place. 

 

***

 

I was taught the values of anti-racism.

 

Let’s start with this one, because it is the one that eventually finished off my relationship with my father. 

 

Back when I was a kid, my parents made sure that I had an education that was well-rounded, and full of perspectives outside the jingoistic pablum that often passes for history curriculum. (The A Beka textbooks we had - that was the best you could actually obtain in the 1980s as a homeschooler, not nearly as bad as Bob Jones - were pretty racist, but a lot of public school texts of the era were whitewashed too - I’ve seen them.) 

 

Part of this was making sure that we learned the truth about race in America. My mom read us Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry and the other books by that author. So we learned about lynching and Jim Crow. 

 

She read us To Kill A Mockingbird, and we discussed the ways racist stereotyping was used to justify violence against minorities. 

 

She read us Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn and we talked about racial slurs and blackface and a bunch of stuff - and we were really young too: I was in elementary school. 

 

I’ll talk about more books later. 

 

My dad was an active advocate against racial prejudice. We had people of every race in our home, we put people up for the night when many other white doors were shut in their faces. My uncle used is position with the LAPD to fight the Klan after it burned a cross on his neighbor’s yard. I really felt like my family was sort I could be proud of for our anti-racism. 

 

Even in the Trump Era, occasionally my dad would revert to that good side, trying to patronize minority businesses, becoming angry when he saw someone denigrate an immigrant. 

 

Speaking of immigrants, I grew up being taught that immigrants were the hardest working people you will ever meet. That if you wanted help with a project, the workers outside the hardware store were the way to go - and be sure to pay them more than they asked, because everyone should go home with enough to eat. 

 

I was taught that taking in immigrants and refugees was not just a core American value, but a core Christian value as well. That our strength as a nation and a faith was in our diversity. 

 

I grew up in a mostly minority neighborhood, with a lot of undocumented neighbors who we lived in peace with. (Fresh chicharrónes cooked in a metal drum over charcoal? Heck yes, I ate that!) Literally, I was raised to understand that undocumented immigrants weren’t criminals, just impoverished people trying to make a better life for themselves. 

 

So it was a horrible shock to watch my parents follow the Republican Party (and I suspect Fox News) in its descent into open racism, white supremacy, and xenophobia. 

 

The time in 2011 that my dad complained that there really wasn’t any place left in the US without “those people” and their culture. The complaint in 2016 that the problem with our country is that we kept letting refugees in - “we should shut that whole thing down.” The steady trickle of “lazy black people” tropes. 

 

And the big one, that would eventually lead to the end of our relationship:

 

“I don’t like Trump’s style, but at least he is finally doing something about the Hispanic problem.” 

 

By the way, the reason my parents cited for cutting me out of their lives was that I repeated that line on social media and called him out for it. (There are other, unspoken reasons, though, so it wasn’t just this.)

 

What the HELL happened to my parents?

 

I literally would have had my mouth washed out with soap if I had said that kind of shit as a child. I was raised better than that. 

 

***

 

My parents raised me to consider women the equal of men.

 

This was done in a variety of ways. Again, we were read books that were from a female perspective. I was encouraged to read the rape scene in Christy, and to understand how groomers work. Ironically, my parents later failed to see that Bill Gothard was a sexual predator using similar means to that in the book. 

 

While my parents weren’t feminists exactly, they used to be closer than they are now. In practice, my father has never believed in “women’s work.” All of us kids were trained to be competent at housework. We did our own laundry as soon as we were big enough to get our clothes out of the top-loading washer. 

 

All of us pitched in when company was coming. My dad is a great cook and did all manner of housework when I was a kid. When he retired and my mom went back to work, he took over the cooking and cleaning. 

 

This is literally how I was raised! 

 

When I was a kid, my mom tried to work part time for a while. Unfortunately, I was a sickly kid, and it didn’t work for her. I understand how she ended up being a stay-at-home mom, and why she leaned into that as her identity. 

 

That said, she did go back to work after we kids left home. And we had other friends and relatives where the mother worked, and I don’t remember that being seen as an issue until later, when my parents started their embrace of Gothard and other patriarchists. 

 

But man, did things change then!

 

I have multiple witnesses who remember my dad saying that the worst mistake America ever made was giving women the vote. What the hell?

 

I have written plenty of times about my mom’s rejection of my wife, in significant part because she has continued to work after having kids, so I won’t go over that again. 

 

I will add that the fact that when my LGBTQ kid came out to my parents, my mom clearly blamed my wife for not modeling gender roles strongly enough. 

 

Now there seems to be a constant barrage of anti-feminist sentiment. Which just so happens to track with the Republican Party’s war on women. 

 

Again, though, what the HELL happened to my parents? Why did they change so dramatically about this issue?

 

***

 

I was raised to live in peace with LGBTQ people.

 

I’m not going to claim that my parents were great on this issue. It was the 1980s, and most people were homophobic and transphobic. Casual slurs were normal, as was the limp wrist used as an insult to fellow males. 

 

But I can tell you my mouth would have gotten washed out with soap if I had done any of that. No doubt. 

 

Yes, of course they believed that gay sex was sinful, because they were Evangelicals. Although I suspect I never found their explanation as to why particularly convincing. I always had difficulty understanding why God was so obsessed with genitals. (Spoiler: he/she/they isn’t.

 

And they also held some outdated beliefs about why people are gay. They still do. 

 

But I was taught that we don’t mistreat or avoid LGBTQ people. 

 

I feel like I have always known LGBTQ people. In one neighborhood, there was a lesbian couple across the street. I didn’t realize they were a couple, exactly, until later. But they were our friends - Mary and Virginia if I am recalling correctly. We would go over to their house and pick loquats. 

 

Getting into classical music as a child definitely put me around a lot of LGBTQ people - the arts generally are a means of expression for those who don’t fit gender or sexual binaries, and many of our most beloved artists were gay or trans. (Seriously. This has always been true.) 

 

I’ve talked elsewhere about my journey away from bigoted beliefs about sexuality and gender, so I won’t repeat that. However, as I have become more liberal on the issue, my parents seem to have become increasingly bigoted, which is one reason my adult kids haven’t continued relationships with my parents. 

 

My mom in particular has been vicious about the issue, using the announcement of my wife’s grandmother’s death to make a public dig at my wife and kid. And last year sending me a thinly veiled threat of hell on my birthday - I apparently am not “walking in truth” because I won’t condemn or disown my own child. Sigh. 

 

I was raised to treat others with respect, and never saw my parents mistreat LGBTQ people like they apparently choose to now.

 

What the HELL happened to my parents? 

 

***

 

I was raised to believe that poverty was complicated, and that we should never look down on the poor.

 

One of the books my mother had me read was The Octopus by Frank Norris. She thought I needed some balance to the capitalist ideas in our curriculum. And the book certainly does illuminate the way railroads and banks manipulated politicians to enrich themselves at the expense of small farmers. 

 

At the time, I didn’t really understand all of the things in the book. Clearly the government was part of the problem - and it certainly can be. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I really “got” what Norris was describing, which was the unholy alliance of big business and big government. And wow, it is relevant today. 

 

Frank Norris was a communist, in that era before Stalin and Mao made it authoritarian and totalitarian, when the US actually teetered on the brink of its own revolution. The fact that my mother encouraged me to read stuff like this is astonishing now. 

 

It was good for me, and turned out decades later to have been hugely influential. My mom used to read broadly many years ago, but that stopped, for reasons I don’t understand. She instead went down the rabbit holes of “alternative medicine” and religious nuttery, and we lost that connection of literature. 

 

The irony is not lost on me that now that I am an adult, I understand my parents’ more nuanced views from their 30s, and yet they have abandoned all of that in favor of a hyper-partisan social darwinistic view of politics. 

 

All of this to say that I was raised also with an understanding that wealth and poverty were not governed by karma, but by forces beyond the individual. I was taught that systemic injustice was real, that it was difficult to rise out of poverty even with hard work, particularly if you lacked social capital. (They didn’t use these words, but the meanings were still there.) 

 

We were taught not to look down on our neighbor. Hell, when we were poor (and we were for a while), we utilized the government medical clinics and got food however we could. It wasn’t until later, as my parents’ wealth and income rose, that they increasingly started talking about the poor (and brown skinned all too often) as lazy and sexually incontinent. You know, all the anti-black stereotypes. 

 

These days, even a conversation about why we need affordable higher education and universal healthcare so that everyone has a chance to rise - hardly a communist position - it always meets with “we can’t afford that.” 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents? 

 

***

 

I was raised to believe that “love your neighbor” was the greatest commandment. 

 

I really was. And I felt like our family used to live it. We took people in. We helped people out. We listened rather than lectured. 

 

Somehow, somewhere along the way, my parents changed. 

 

I stopped engaging with them politically because it seemed to have become nothing more than a litany of excuses for why we shouldn’t love our neighbors. Why we should deport them, cut them off from medical care, charge them more than they could afford for basics like housing and education. 

 

I still believe in loving my neighbor. 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents?

 

***

 

I was raised to think critically.

 

This is actually one of the most common complaints of my generation of homeschooled kids. We were the first ones, the pioneers. It was the heady days of “teach your children how to think, not just memorize facts.” 

 

And my parents did!

 

They enabled my voracious reading habit, took me to the library regularly, encouraged me to read broadly. 

 

And yes, they taught me critical thinking. They did a damn fine job of it. 

 

Now, they and their generation are all, “But not like that!!!!” when we use our critical thinking skills to challenge their political beliefs. 

 

There are so many elements to this. 

 

I was taught how to recognize propaganda. And I do. Which is the problem, because I started calling out Right Wing propaganda when my parents were parroting it. (It was shocking in the last decade or so that my dad started reverting to Reagan and Thatcher era slogans as if they were reasoned arguments, or worse, evidence that refuted my carefully vetted statistics.)

 

I was taught how to recognize bullshit, both in source and substance. And I have a darn good and active bullshit detector. Which is the problem, because I have called bullshit on my parents, and they can’t handle it. 

 

I was taught to look at evidence, not mere claims. I was taught to look beyond the headline, beyond the article, and look at what was underlying it. Anyone who follows this blog knows that I do my best to support my claims with evidence, and that I often find primary sources. 

 

This became a particular problem during the pandemic, because my parents went fully down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole, from “vaccines will kill you” to “ivermectin is a miracle cure.” In the meantime, my wife literally worked - and often was in charge - in ICU through the pandemic, and was part of the data collection process for various treatments and best practices. She cared deeply about the evidence and thoroughly educated herself and her staff as the evidence about best treatments rolled in. She saw firsthand the way vaccines were an absolute gamechanger on death rates. Yet my parents ignored all that and chose to believe the charlatans. Sigh.

 

This kept arising over and over through the last few years of our relationship. “Trickle Down Economics” doesn’t work. Vaccines do not cause autism. Immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than native born. Human-caused global warming is real. State college tuition was free when my dad went to CSUN, and costs have skyrocketed. Hence, my kids cannot simply pay their way through college on a part time job. 

 

The list goes on. And on. And on. 

 

I have come to realize that I literally live in a different “reality” than my parents. I live in the world of evidence-based belief. They live in an epistemological delusion, where only people who share their political beliefs can know truth. 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents?

 

***

 

I was raised to respect and desire education.

 

And I am sore as hell about this issue. I was raised to look forward to going to college. In particular, to have the chance to explore, learn, and choose my path. To not have to declare a major at first, perhaps, but to find what I liked to study. 

 

I was on track to go to college - I had excellent grades, scored in the high 90s in percentile on the ACT, and was really looking forward to that experience. 

 

Then Gothard. 

 

Fuck. 

 

That was the end of my college aspirations. Because Gothard was against college. He was selling a pipe dream of “apprenticeships” that would apparently mean great jobs for people with “good character” - which mattered more to employers than training or education, right?

 

What really was going on was that Gothard expected parents to pay him money so that their kids could work for him for free, building his empire. 

 

Yeah, wasn’t that nice. 

 

I ended up taking most of a gap year after high school, because I literally had nothing else to do with myself. I taught my siblings science and math (that’s a whole other story…) and waited. 

 

When Gothard’s law school opened up, I went for it, despite not really wanting to be a lawyer, because it was literally my only fucking ticket out. I didn’t get much support from the school, so I ended up essentially putting myself through law school and passing the bar on my own hard work and determination. And a really good study group of fellow students, all of whom passed the bar on the first try. 

 

(Note: after he retired, my dad tried OBCL, only to quit and switch to a different school because it was so unhelpful. My brother and I had to suffer, because that was our only option…) 

 

I don’t hate law, at least the niche I found for myself. But it wasn’t my choice. I really enjoy teaching - I teach adult classes for our community college, and Wills and Trusts for our local law school, and even my law practice is all about educating my clients. 

 

I am particularly sore, though, because my sister got to go to college in the normal way. I am glad she did, even though she hasn’t done jack shit with her degree, but wish I had been allowed the same opportunity. My kids are definitely going to have what I was denied. 

 

How the HELL did my parents go from pro-education to denying their children the chance?

 

***

 

I was taught that most decisions in life didn’t have a right or wrong answer. They were just choices.

 

I literally remember having this conversation multiple times. Most of life isn’t about right or wrong. It is just about making a choice. 

 

Do I buy Nikes or Asics? (Asics fit my feet better.) Do I live in this town or that town? Which job do I choose? What do I want to do with my life?

 

My dad was entirely correct about this. Yes of course there are moral decisions to be made, but most of life doesn’t have a one right answer. 

 

I grew up believing this. And I grew up believing that my parents still thought that. 

 

I was expressly told that, while I had to obey my parents while I lived in their home, I would eventually move out and start my own life, and could do what I wanted.

 

It turns out, I was wrong. Starting in my teens - again with Gothard - more and more choices ceased to be available to me. More and more things became “moral” issues, with only one acceptable answer. 

 

I mentioned college already - a deep loss that I still feel to this day. But also marriage. Rather than “find someone you love and want to be with,” the field was narrowed in practice to “a girl from another fundamentalist family who will agree to live that lifestyle.” 

 

When I married, then became a parent, I increasingly realized that all those choices that I intended to make for myself and my family were not free. I could either make the choice my parents wanted me to make, or I could endure their constant disapproval. (This is classic “bounded choice.”)

 

I made choice B, obviously, and that is the root cause of why we are estranged. My wife and I decided that it would be better for us and our family if we split breadwinning. (A choice that kept us from going bankrupt during the pandemic.) We chose to split childcare and household duties as well. 

 

We decided to eschew the paranoid approach to culture for our kids. (“Everything we don’t like will give you demons!”) 

 

We rejected Authoritarian Parenting, right wing politics, and the racist and misogynist culture wars that are tearing our country apart. 

 

And for that, we have been rejected by my parents. It turned out that political affiliation and cultic religious beliefs mattered more to them than I did. 

 

***

 

I was taught that morality mattered more than political party.

 

While our parents were “Reagan Republicans,” I was raised with the knowledge that political parties change, that issues change, and that therefore a Christian should not be yoked to a political party. Instead, morality should determine one’s political choices.

 

I have done my best to follow that advice. Yes, it is difficult to see one’s own blind spots, tribal affiliation is a strong drug, and inertia is real. So yes, it has taken work and thought and wrestling. Which is what I was taught. 

 

I can look back and see that in many ways, our two major political parties have switched places on many issues. Just the biggest one: in the 1980s, Republicans were pro-immigration, while Democrats were mostly against it. Even in the 1990s, it was Clinton who militarized our border, a bad decision that still is causing problems today. 

 

That clearly flipped with Trump, who has made xenophobia and white supremacy the core of his persona. 

 

What has been horrifying is seeing my parents change in pretty much lockstep with the Republican Party - and with Fox News. 

 

Guess what? The teachings of Christ (and the Torah and Prophets and Epistles) didn’t change one bit. There was no grand new knowledge that required a change in ethics. (No Galileo upending the view of the universe…) There was no ethical epiphany, no buring bush moment.

 

The only thing that changed was the official position of the Republican Party. 

 

It is now clear that my parents do not have - and may never have had - any real loyalty to Christian values, or even to basic human decency and ethical thinking. 

 

Nope. Their loyalty was to Republican politics.

 

Which is why I can guess their views on literally everything these days by asking what Fox News says. It certainly works better than looking in the Bible. 

 

And my dad had the nerve to complain that “we can’t talk politics anymore.” Gee, I wonder why not? Perhaps I just don’t want to listen to him air his bigotry and right wing talking points and be expected to affirm them? 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents? 

 

***

 

I was taught that reality mattered, that one had to be willing to change one’s mind given new information.

 

Seriously. I was taught this. And then these days, punished when I changed my mind. 

 

There are so many conversations over the last couple decades with my parents where as soon as I challenged their current orthodoxy, I was hit with accusations of apostasy. 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents?

 

***

 

I was raised with my needs and desires being taken into account.

 

It is difficult to explain this to others, because it seems too bizarre even for fiction. When I was a child, I actually had my needs, desires, and feelings validated and taken into account. I credit this for how relatively emotionally functional I am compared to so many other survivors of authoritarian parenting. 

 

What is most bizarre is that this started to shift as I got older. My needs became less important as I grew toward adulthood, to the point where I was virtually ignored when it came to the most important decisions of my young adulthood. 

 

For example, I did not want to be a part of Gothard’s cult. I was ignored, and told I was being rebellious. 

 

I wanted to go to college. But that was not an option (see above.) 

 

Finally, when, over the last couple of decades, I have expressed that our family dynamics were hurting me, I was at best blown off, and at worst, blamed - it was all my fault because I “said mean things.” 

 

We can’t actually deal with my mom and sister’s mistreatment of my wife - because all that is really just my fault for saying mean things. 

 

I apparently “never take responsibility” - which is both ridiculous (I have “oldest child syndrome” where I was parentified and tend to feel responsible for things I should never have had to take on) and a projection. In reality, my parents do not wish now to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. 

 

It is super frustrating and hurtful. And it came as a shock that things were so different for me as an adult than as a child. I used to matter. Now I do not. 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents?

 

***

 

My parents talked a lot about how they were trying to break the cycle of trauma.

 

And I believe they really did try for many years. 

 

Both of them grew up with traumatic childhoods. Their stories are beyond the scope of this post. And I truly feel bad for them. 

 

When we were kids, I think they did try. They tried to be fair and not play favorites. They tried to look beyond their trauma-informed reactions and do the right thing.

 

Our family actually looked poised to break the cycle for a while. And I am grateful for those formative years because I think I ended up more emotionally healthy than my parents did because of their attempts to break the cycle. 

 

I’m not really entirely sure how and why this all changed. 

 

For my mom, maybe when I hit puberty and was no longer her “itsy bitsy baby boy” and started reminding her instead of her own father? Certainly I have felt a lot of her trauma projected on me as an oldest male sibling. 

 

For both my parents, maybe after my brother and I moved out (and their experiment of having my sister live with us failed badly)? Those extra few years alone with my sister seem to have solidified her position as the Golden Child, the favorite in the family. 

 

Whatever the case, my sister’s behavior eventually became the third rail of our family dynamics, the thing my parents refused to address or even discuss honestly, even as she descended further into what the symptoms and behaviors indicate is an undiagnosed personality disorder. 

 

My attempts to bring up the issue constantly met with a deflection to “you say mean things,” so we could never address the underlying issues. Particularly her constant false accusations of sexual misconduct against my wife. 

 

By this point, my parents rarely see the grandchildren that are not my sister’s kids. They spend most of their time with her, and I have become, as my wife puts it, expendable. Perhaps I always was the expendable child? But I don’t think I was when I was a kid. Something changed over time. 

 

Since our actual break five or six years ago, there have been zero attempts by them to repair the damage, or mend the relationship. My father has been complete radio silence, while my mother has alternated between trying to go behind my back with my kids and lashing out at me with blame for the consequences of her actions. 

 

Going further back, after I made it clear that my mom and sister were driving my wife away from the family - starting in 2011! - there have been zero attempts at fixing that relationship. If anything, my mom chose to double down on the antagonism. 

 

I truly did turn out to be expendable, as did my wife and kids. So much for breaking the cycle of trauma. 

 

What the HELL happened to my parents? 

 

***

 

As you can tell, this post is borne out of years - decades - of pain, hurt, and trauma. I really had been looking forward to having a good adult relationship with my parents. I looked forward to their loving and embracing my spouse. I looked forward to my kids having good relationships with their grandparents. 

 

None of that happened. 

 

And I really do not understand why. All was possible at one point. But my parents changed, and I am not sure how or why. 

 

I am reminded of the poem from my childhood, “Maud Muller,” by John Greenleaf Whittier. Sure, it is a bit of maudlin Victorian bathos, but it also is full of truth. In it, the young judge eschews the pursuit of Maud, who he is in love with, because his bigoted family rejects her as low class. This leads to unhappiness for both of them. 

 

Ultimately, my parents rejected me and my family. For what? I’m not really sure. But the haunting couplet of the poem, which has become part of our cultural fabric, rings so true. 

 

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: “It might have been!”