“Don’t let your
compassion keep you from calling sin what God says is sin.”
~
My former pastor (and other Pharisees and legalists throughout history)
“This man is not
from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath.”
~
Certain Pharisees
“Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save
life or to kill?”
“The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”
Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because
you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves
will not lift one finger to help them.
~ Jesus Christ
***
My journey away from the Fundamentalist/Evangelical belief system
regarding human sexuality has been a couple decades long, and has been both a
gradual process and a series of epiphanies.
On the one hand, my LGBTQ friends and family have been important
to this journey. On the other, I believe that equally important to my journey
have been the numerous bigots in my life, who have at various times clarified
exactly what the foundation of anti-gay teachings really are. I hope to
someday give a more detailed and comprehensive account of my journey,
personally and theologically, but I figured I would start with this moment,
five years ago, that remains seared into my memory. (I use the word “bigot”
intentionally: see footnote below.)
Just as background, unlike many (most) Evangelical parents, mine
never taught me to hate. I never heard them (to my recollection) advocate for
denying them jobs, housing, and healthcare - which is literally the goal of the
Culture Wars™. However, like pretty much every Evangelical back in the 1980s -
and not just Evangelicals either - they believed that any sexual activity
outside of heterosexual marriage was sinful. Of course, it was a lot easier
back then, before it became much clearer that sexual orientation wasn’t a
choice, and couldn’t be “cured.”
My journey through my 20s was a gradual process of coming to
understand all of that. As a strongly cishet white male, it was easy to ignore
the stories of LGBTQ people, just as it was easy to ignore the stories of women
and people of color, and assume that I was “normal,” and others were, well, others.
***
Those who didn’t grow up in the American Christian subcultures may
not be familiar with the terms I will be using, so let me define a few.
I believe that Christian beliefs about sexuality generally fall
into four categories (I have written a post about this that I have yet to
publish, but intend to this month.)
Denialists. These people, generally Boomers or older, deny that
sexual orientation exists, that people are born LGBTQ, and believe that “same
sex attraction” can be cured.
Calvinists. I use this term not because all Calvinists believe
this, but because it is a Calvinist approach. Basically, sexual orientation
isn’t a choice. But God made people gay so that he could burn them in hell for
eternity for his everlasting glory. But, considering Calvinists believe that
god’s default approach to humans is to burn them for eternity, choosing only to
save a small sliver of the population - mostly middle-class white people -
what’s a few gays, right?
“Side B.” These are most younger evangelicals who are not “Side
A.” This belief acknowledges that sexual orientation is not a choice and
cannot be cured, but insists that sex should only be in the confines of
heterosexual marriage. Thus, LGBTQ people should either enter heterosexual
marriage or remain celibate for life.
“Side A.” Side A believes that sexual orientation and gender
identity are God-given traits, and that LGBTQ Christians should live in harmony
with how they were created, in a manner consistent with the Greatest
Commandment. Thus, LGBTQ people are encouraged to marry, and allowed to
participate fully in the Christian community.
Like most Evangelicals, I started out as a denialist, back in the
days when we believed in “reparative therapy.” Now, of course, it has been
thoroughly discredited. Even the largest group that pushed it, Exodus
International, has repudiated it, acknowledging that it didn’t work and caused
harm. And, as it has now come out, “reparative therapy” is just another name
for psychological and sometimes physical torture.
I switched to “Side B” somewhere along the way. I don’t remember
an epiphany exactly - it was probably just listening to LGBTQ friends,
particularly one from church who came out at that time. This would have
happened sometime in my late teens.
But I can remember EXACTLY when I switched to “Side A.” This is
that story.
***
In May of 2015, my former pastor was working through I
Thessalonians, and got to this passage in chapter 4:
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should
avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control
your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in
passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; 6 and that in
this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.[b] The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we
told you and warned you before. 7 For God did not call us to be
impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, anyone who rejects
this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives
you his Holy Spirit.
From there, he embarked on a shockingly passionate anti-gay
sermon. I mean, his usual practice - something I liked about him - was to
explain the different viewpoints and why he believed the way he did. This was
done in a calm and dispassionate way, and was the official church approach to
theology. “Grace based,” focus on the essentials of the faith sort of thing.
Which is why for a long time, that church was a haven for people like us,
survivors of abusive theology, looking for an alternative to Fundamentalism, a
place where we could have community without being forced to adopt a bunch of
doctrinal dogma.
That’s why this was such a shocking sermon. I have never, before
or since, heard him preach with such passion and emotion. It was like this was
the One Thing That Mattered™, and he must communicate with force that there was
no possible other conclusion.
And, at the climax of the sermon, he let loose with what I think
he believed was his “money line”:
“Don’t let your compassion
keep you from calling sin what God says is sin.”
I sat there stunned for a moment, before it came to me in a
rush that this was completely familiar. I had indeed heard this before,
regarding another similar issue.
“Don’t let your compassion
keep you from enforcing rules!”
And it sure as heck wasn’t Jesus Christ saying that. Rather, he
went out of his way to heal on the sabbath, and to excuse his disciples for
gleaning - gathering food for themselves - on the sabbath.
It was at that point I knew I was a “Side A” Christian, and there
was no going back.
Please don’t try to excuse sabbath breaking as a minor offense -
it carried the death penalty in the Torah. See Numbers 15. This
was a freaking huge deal. And Christ went WAY OUT OF HIS WAY to break the
sabbath to make a point to the “experts in the law.” He pointed out that god
required “mercy, not sacrifice.” The point being that the rules are never
trumped by compassion. Ever. And you do not EVER sacrifice other people to your
rules.
Here are the passages in the Gospels that talk about the sabbath:
Re-reading this for this post, I was struck by a number of things
about these passages. First, all four gospels contain at least one passage
about Jesus breaking the sabbath. All of them. Which indicates to me that it is
a very important incident in the life and teachings of Christ.
[By contrast, the number of times Jesus Christ mentions homosexuality,
despite it being widely discussed in Palestine and the Roman Empire at the
time: ZERO. One would think if it were a core issue, he might have mentioned
it? Ditto abortion, by the way…]
My second observation was that the religious leaders were described
as “experts in the law. These were people who spent a LOT of time thinking
about the Torah and what it meant people should or shouldn’t do. In other
words, a lot like our present day Fundamentalists, who spend a LOT of time and
energy thinking about exactly what genitals mean - what you can do with them;
how the configuration you are born with determines your role in society, the
family, and church; and how to use the power of the civil law to punish those
who disagree with Fundie rules.
Third, the Gospels include two different categories of rule
breaking, and gives analogies for them. The first is healing. One may - indeed
one SHOULD - help others on the sabbath. Christ uses the example of rescuing a
helpless animal from a ditch, and applies it to human beings. “How much more
should one heal a person!”
I take this to mean that when we consider rules, we should focus
on the whole “love your neighbor as yourself” thing. How we choose to apply or
ignore the rules should be determined by whether it helps or heals others. And
no, “making them follow the rules” isn’t love. This is made abundantly clear by the way Christ responds
to the advice “can’t they just wait until the next day?” His point was that
good needed to be done now. The rule was overruled by the greater law of
love.
The second category of rule breaking is even more interesting -
and it is the one I have never once heard preached on.
The disciples were hungry, and broke the sabbath by gathering
grain. It is implied that Christ himself may have gathered too, and eaten of
the grain. This is a REALLY clear violation of the commandment. As in the
letter of the law - “don’t gather food on the sabbath.”
Yet Christ literally excused this, citing another egregious
instance, where King David and his men ate the sacred bread - that’s another
capital offense, by the way.
I find this one particularly fascinating because of this: the
disciples weren’t doing good to others. They were satisfying their own needs.
They were hungry, and they broke the rule in order to fill the need they
had.
AND JESUS CONDONED IT!
This is HUGE!
I think these two instances combine to apply well to our rules
about human sexuality.
First, as Christians, we should seek to heal, not harm, with our
rules. And we cannot do that simply by reading and re-reading the rules. We
have to ask those who are affected what their needs are, and meet them,
regardless of whether their needs fit our rules well. The question wasn’t “can
we make them wait until the next day?” but “do they need healing now?”
This is where I believe the passage from Luke (and also in
Matthew) about not loading people down with burdens is relevant as well. I am
astonished at the way heterosexual Evangelicals casually condemn others to a
lifetime of celibacy. They would place on them a burden of loneliness that they
have zero interest in helping carry. In fact, a number of people I know (of a
certain generation, particularly) who are the most anti-gay had shotgun
weddings. I mean, they couldn’t even keep their knees together until they
turned 20, yet they would condemn LGBTQ people for something they couldn’t even
do for a few years?
The second point, though, is that Christ didn’t condemn breaking
the rules to meet your own needs. To be clear, Christ DID teach against meeting
your own needs at the expense of other people. This isn’t an excuse to harm
others in the name of “meeting your own needs.”
What it is, however, is an indication that god doesn’t consider
the rules to be more important than people. David and his men were starving?
Eat what is there! The disciples were hungry? Take and eat! (Later, St. Peter
would have his vision that the Kosher rules didn’t apply in a way that would
prevent gentiles from entering the Kingdom.)
Fourth, I noticed that Christ said the sabbath was made for man,
NOT man for the sabbath. Humans don’t exist to serve the rules. The rules are
there to serve humans, and human needs matter more than the rule.
Or, as one might put it in this context, “Marriage and sexuality
were made for man, not man for rules about marriage and sexuality.”
The way I would apply it to sexuality is this: there is nothing
inherently wrong with sexual desire. If god created you with a desire that
doesn’t fit the “rules,” then human needs trump the rule. And in that
connection, let’s look back at that passage from I Thessalonians.
First, the word translated “sexual immorality” is porneia,
which has an...interesting history. The word is thrown around a LOT in the
Septuagint, the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament. Porneia
is used primarily to describe idolatry or selling oneself to another god. (The
root of the word combines "sex" and "transaction," that is “prostitution.”) So the Israelites seemed to be
continually committing “porneia” with other gods. Esau committed “porneia” when
he sold his birthright. (How crazy is that?) Christianity, particularly
starting with patriarchal church fathers like Augustine, decided that “porneia”
really meant sex outside of marriage, which is...not its clear meaning. To the
Greeks and Romans, porneia had become an idiomatic way to refer to
“acceptable” extra-marital sex - namely, men sleeping with prostitutes or
raping their slaves. (There was a different word, moicheia, to refer to
adultery - that is, a man messing with another (free)man’s chattel.) This could
be an entire rabbit hole here, but suffice it to say that the cultural baggage
of the Greco-roman world combined with the cultural baggage of Second Temple
Judaism to create a whole doctrine that is rather foreign to the Torah or to
the culture the bible was written in.
I mention this to point out that my pastor - like virtually every
Evangelical pastor, simply takes for granted that they know what porneia
means - and applied it specifically to same sex relations.
But look at what else is there in the passage that gets glossed
over. First, being in control of one’s body. Hey, that’s actually a great idea!
Learning to control myself was key to a good marriage. Don’t be like the
pagans! This would seem to be a nice dig at the whole “sleep with prostitutes
and rape your slaves” idea conveyed by porneia as understood by Roman
society. Again, sounds like a good idea: don’t take advantage of the poverty
and desperation of sex workers by using them as sex objects, and don’t rape.
And finally, “no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.”
Come to think of it, a few prominent pastors (and the leader of the cult I was
in) need to learn this one. Don’t wrong or take advantage of other
people!
And this very thing was mostly glossed over in that sermon in
favor of a screed against LGBTQ relationships. Doctrinal purity and the rules
were more important than finding ways for people to meet their sexual needs in
a way that healed, not hurt them, and didn’t take advantage of others.
All of this important background information, ethical thinking,
and application to reality as experienced by LGBTQ people was less important
than a passionate screed against gays and their relationships. And all
justified with:
“Don’t let your compassion
keep you from calling sin what God says is sin.”
And that is how and why I became a “Side A” Christian on that
day.
***
Soon after we left, we found out that there had actually been an
intentional shift in the church, away from the “grace based” idea, to a more
“traditional” fundamentalist approach. Unsurprisingly, this shift was driven by
the wealthy, white, and (mostly as it turns out) racist Boomers who held the
actual power in the church. Those bills had to be paid, so those of us who
differed from the official line had to be forced out.
That was nearly three and a half years ago, and we have not (and
likely will not) ever return to organized religion. But, in retrospect, the
beginning of the end was that day five years ago in May of 2015, and that
hateful sermon.
I truly hope my former pastor reads this post, and understands the
way this sermon backfired on him. And also that his decision to embrace hate
then and later cost his religion a number of people, including my
children.
***
Why I use the term “bigot”:
(From Merriam Webster)
Bigot: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his
or her own opinions and prejudices, especially : one who regards or
treats the members of a group (such as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred
and intolerance.
A person isn’t a bigot for disagreeing. A bigot is someone who is
obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his own prejudices. This means that no
amount of proof will ever convince them. LGBTQ people giving evidence of how
doctrine has damaged them won’t matter. Kids committing suicide over sexual
orientation won’t matter. Nothing matters except the rules. Because “salvation” is in the rules.
Sure, there probably are a few people who think gay sex is wrong,
but who fully support anti-discrimination laws, and genuinely try to help LGBTQ
people without condemning or trying to convert them. But….I can probably
count them on one hand.
***
It’s beyond the scope of this post, but I want to mention that one
reason I changed my mind is the sheer amount of LYING that Evangelicals do
about LGBTQ people. And that includes our former pastor, unfortunately. This
whole “gays are all sexual predators” is gross slander, something I thought
Evangelicals thought was a serious sin. But I guess it applies only when
someone says something unkind about them, not when they falsely accuse people
outside their tribe of crimes and predation.
***
There is a whole rabbit hole regarding the Christian doctrinal
superstructure of sexuality, from Augustine’s belief that sex should only be
done expressly for procreation, and that one should try one’s best NOT to every
enjoy it, to an honest analysis of what marriage actually meant until
recently.
One of the theological parts of my journey was to honestly and
openly look at the Old Testament and its cultural context and understand the
truth:
There are very few restrictions put on male sexuality in
the OT. A man could sleep with a prostitute, take a concubine, rape a slave or
war captive, take and discard multiple wives, sleep with any unmarried women he
wanted (although he might be on the hook for a bride price…) Really, about all
he had to do was (1) not sleep with certain relatives (2) not sleep with a male
and (3) not mess with another man’s chattel (his woman, ox, or donkey…)
Now women, on the other hand...lots of restrictions for
them, of course. They were the property of men.
Oh, and anyone else notice that the OT is silent on lesbian
sex? Or that the one possible reference to lesbian sex in the NT was believed
by the early church fathers to be a reference to a cult where females
penetrated males with dildos? (You don’t hear that in church….)
Anyway, the meaning of porneia is hardly the cut and dried thing that Evangelicals say it is. It’s literally 2000 years of cultural baggage, beliefs
about the superiority of males, protection of their female chattel from
despoiling, and obsession about legitimate offspring.
Law school disabused me of a lot of false notions, including the
belief that a man who sleeps around on his wife is committing adultery. It
isn’t, legally, or in the bible. A man could sleep with literally any
unmarried woman he wanted, including a prostitute or slave, and it wasn’t
adultery. (It would merely be porneia...if even that.) Rather, it was
adultery when a man (married or otherwise) slept with the chattel - the wife -
of another man. Yep, that’s what it legally means, and how it would be
understood in the bible.
There is much more to what I call a “theological superstructure”
than meets the eye. And that’s why when you look closely, you see that the
foundations aren’t really about human thriving, but are all about beliefs about
the inferiority of women, and the perceived need to protect male property. For
me, when I really grasped that, the whole house of cards crumbled. I may have
to do a series of posts someday about that - I have spent a lot of time
wrestling with it, but haven’t committed it all to writing.
Oh, and if you want to know how messed up Augustine was on this subject, consider that he considered a woman who had sex to make an illegitimate son (to support her, etc.) but didn't enjoy it, to be less of a sinner than a woman who wanted sex with her husband for pleasure.
Literally. And if you are going to have buttsex, it is less sinful to
do it with a prostitute than with your wife...
***
One final thought:
Just as it is beyond arrogant for us white people to tell people
of color how they should feel, what their experiences are, what their needs are
and how to meet them, and how they should respond to injustice, so too it is
beyond arrogant for cishet people to tell LGBTQ people how they should feel,
what their experiences are (including their relationship with god), what their
needs are and how to meet them, and how they should respond to injustice.
If your theology of gender and sexuality has not been built from
the ground up with the full and equal participation of women and LGBTQ people,
then it will - by definition - be incomplete at best and harmful at
worst.
The current Evangelical doctrine about gender and sexuality didn’t
appear by magic out of the sky. It was developed within certain patriarchal
cultures with certain assumptions, including the congenital inferiority of
women, the right of some humans to own others as slaves, and a universal
embrace of the sexual double standard. It was created and refined over the last
3000+ years exclusively by males holding power in their societies, without any
meaningful input from women, slaves, or LGBTQ people. And it shows.