Saturday, June 18, 2016

The Gap: The Science of What Separates Us From Other Animals by Thomas Suddendorf

Source of book: Borrowed from the library

The Gap: The Science of What Separates Us From Other Animals has been on my list for a while, and I finally went out and borrowed it.

Let me preface my review with a bit of background. I was raised on curriculum which was strongly Young Earth Creationist, although my father leaned toward an old earth. During my high school years, I increasingly rejected this point of view, largely because I learned more about science and realized that most - probably all - YEC materials grossly misrepresent the actual claims of evolutionary theory. In addition, most do not even address discoveries from the last 50 years, relying instead on a straw man of Victorian Era theory and science. I was also horrified by the combination of conspiracy theories and wild speculation to try to get around basic facts of the universe such as the speed of light, the distance of the stars, and the inescapable conclusion that the universe is billions of years old. As with astronomy, so with geology, and later with biology. It just became increasingly untenable to believe in either a 6000 year old earth or a 6000 year old humanity. One of the final straws was the research done in the last few decades on DNA which have done a great deal to confirm common ancestry and the “ability” of organisms to develop new and beneficial traits.   (You can read more about DNA in Sam Kean’s outstanding book, The Violinist’s Thumb, reviewed here.)

With that background, perhaps it is easier to see why I am just now exploring some of the questions raised by evolution, both scientific (as in this case) and theological (as I may do in the future on this blog.) 



Here is the basic idea of this book. Humans are, unquestionably, on a completely different level of brain development than other animals. Yes, humans are animals, contrary to what some theologians say. This is one reason we can test products on animals, and why they have similar anatomy, function, and so on. This shouldn’t be all that controversial, honestly, but it seems to be. So yes, we are animals, but we are not exactly mere animals either. The very fact that I wrote this post and you are reading it should be proof of some “gap,” as the author puts it. Douglas Adams notwithstanding, there are no blog posts by dolphins, and no evidence of an equivalent have been found. Suddendorf explores exactly what this gap between us and the others consists of, how close our nearest relatives are to us in ability, and why we see a gap now.

Suddendorf is in a good position to write this book, as he helped create some of the primary research in the area of primate intelligence. A native of Germany, he now lives in Australia, teaching and researching for the University of Queensland. In this book, he describes a number of the experiments that he participated in, those done by others in his field, and ties them all together with older research. I will also say that he writes exceedingly well about what could have been boring science, which leads me to believe that he would probably be a great teacher.

I recommend reading this book in full, rather than relying on my distillation of the topic, but I do want to hit a few highlights.

First, although it comes in the middle of the book, Suddendorf’s thesis is that the various parts of the gap can be traced to two abilities that humans have. The first is the ability to build what he calls “nested scenarios.” This is more than a mere problem solving ability, it is the ability to put on whole productions in our heads. We can walk through an imaginary scenario as if it were a stage play, trying on different ideas and solutions. It is this, for example, that allows us to imagine the distant future, react to changes in circumstances, and so on. No other animal has adapted so rapidly to different environments, and he believes that this is because of this ability. I am doing a lousy job of explaining this, so go and read the book already.

The second ability is a desire to connect with other minds. Humans have built what we have not because each of us is smart enough to invent everything ourselves, but because we have connected with others across history and geography. I could not tell you how to build the computer I am typing on. Likewise, even though I understand the basics of electronics - and can explain them to you if you really want - I didn’t discover them. I read about them in books, talked about them with others, and experimented on devices created by others. I didn’t even invent the language I speak and write. Millions of other humans have contributed to it, and our common assignment of meaning to the sounds and symbols is possible because we have connected our minds together. This is evident in small children from an extremely early age. We long to connect - and we notice something “off” in those who do not share this ability. (Autism spectrum is in part diminished ability to connect minds.) As the author puts it, “We seem to need to read each others’ minds in both these ways. We have a fundamental urge to link our minds: to understand and be understood.”

Suddendorf begins the book with a basic introduction to our primate family. This includes those still living, such as the great apes, the monkeys, and humans. He also notes, however, that there were many other primates who have gone extinct, including a good number of species of hominids. Suddendorf makes the point that the “gap” is to a significant degree noticeable because we are missing the creatures that would have been in between. They are all extinct now, but they existed once. (One of the reasons I cannot go back to a YEC point of view is that we keep discovering new homind species, including this one in the last couple of years.  The YEC explanations don’t fit the facts, and are driven by a perceived theological need, rather than drawn from the facts.) 

After setting the stage, Suddendorf goes on to examine the skills and abilities of other primates, and correlates these abilities with the branch of the family tree they come from, and when they are believed to have split off. (In this, it is important to note, as the author does, that apes are not our ancestors, but descendents of common ancestors.)

One thing of note in this section is the fact that our closest cousins, the Chimpanzees are the only other animal species known to make plans and team up to kill their own kind. This is, of course, humanity’s greatest shame, and it is sad to see that cruelty is apparently something that develops with greater brain capacity.

Next come several chapters exploring the specifics of the gap, looking at each in turn. These are language, foresight, mind reading, intelligence, culture, and morality. Again, I won’t detail each, because the book does it better.

Rounding out the book is a look at extinct hominids, and what the fossil record has shown about their anatomy and abilities. (It is easy to forget that artifacts are often found with bones, and these can give insight into development. Likewise radiometric dating has revealed relative dates of existence for these extinct species.)

Here are some of the ideas that particularly stood out to me.

First is this quote from Aldous Huxley (author of Brave New World and grandson of Thomas Huxley, whose work in zoology was as revolutionary as Darwin’s theories.)

Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes. And thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons.

All one needs to see this in action both ways is in our ability to gain empathy through our interaction with others - and also to become a mob united by a common hatred. (This election is shaping up to be a clear example of this one…)

Next, I found Suddendorf’s section on the function of memory to be fascinating. We lawyers know all too well a peculiarity of the human mind: our memories are faulty and plastic. It is well established that humans are terrible at making eyewitness identification of strangers. Sure, we can pick a friend or family member out of a crowd, but we confuse strangers all the time - more so as they resemble us less. (All black people look alike…) But it is weird that not only do we not improve our memories with time, we also become more confident in them. Basically, we rewrite and confirm our memories.

Suddendorf makes the case that this is so because the purpose of memory (evolutionarily speaking) isn’t to make an accurate snapshot of the past, but to use the past to predict the future.

In this sense, accurate prediction is more important than accurate recall. Indeed, all memory systems are inherently future-directed, rather than oriented toward the past, as one might assume...Memory matters because of what it can do for you now and in the future.

This makes sense. We need our memories to remember where something is - say a hideout or food cache - rather than all the details of how we discovered it. If it doesn’t help us find it in the future, that information isn’t that relevant.

The next bit that I found fascinating is that for most primates, staring into their eyes is viewed as a threat. For us humans, it is a means of connecting - and mind reading. It is also a means of deception in some cases, as Suddendorf illustrates through his experiences playing soccer. The penalty kick is a mind game, kicker versus goalie, and the winner is the one who wins the battle of the mind.

Not all of our games, however, are ones we play with each other. As any computer scientist can tell you, our minds do not have spectacular computing power. We are slow, and we work on kludgy compromises to get the most out of what we physically have. What this means is that we often have shortcuts we take to reach decisions. A human chess player will never calculate all the scenarios as fast as a computer, but a human can often come to a good decision anyway, even through imperfect knowledge and calculation. This gets us in trouble sometimes, however, because our shortcuts are - in a real sense - our biases.

For example, we frequently base judgments on how easily we can call to mind relevant information and make a decision as soon as we have a satisfying answer. We therefore frequently fail to act optimally given available information. Yet we tend to be supremely (over)confident about our judgments and generally resist evidence that demonstrates we are wrong. In hindsight we are sure we could have predicted what we now know to have happened.

The chapter on Culture is interesting as well. We tend to think of “high” culture when we use the term, but it actually includes much more.

Culture in a broad sense comprises everything enduring that we learn from others; it includes the commonplace - even banal - customs, values, knowledge, and objects our societies have invented and propagated.
…
What is most powerful here is the accumulation of knowledge, skills, and artifacts over time. We benefit from what others have done long ago...We built on the cultural achievements of others.

Morality is also an interesting concept. I won’t go into too much detail here, but Suddendorf cites frequently to the research of Steven Pinker, whose book on the subject, The Better Angels of our Nature I reviewed here. It is outstanding, and one book I believe everyone should read.

Two things were worth quoting here, though. The first is the reference to research by Jean Piaget and Lawrence Kohlenberg (separately) on the development of morality in children. There appear to be three stages that represent how children make - and justify - their moral choices.

Children were presented with a moral dilemma and then asked about the reasons for their judgment. Kohlenberg found that young children focus on avoiding punishment, whereas older children, with more social experience, increasingly demonstrate an understanding that rules have to be followed for the greater good. Eventually, some of the children justify their choices by reference to internally consistent theories about moral principles.

I found this very interesting, and have been thinking about it ever since. It is my opinion, based on my experience, that Evangelical theology and teaching has been making a concerted effort to keep people from advancing in their ethics past the first stage - which is based on authoritarianism - rather than progressing to the next two steps. I may blog about that in the future if I get the time and have the inclination.

The second is also related to ethical problems. We lie to ourselves about our own behavior, holding others to a different standard than we hold ourselves. (Perhaps one reason Christ harped on the subject so much…) A recurring argument I have had with people - often religious folk - is over whether one can do great evil while being sure one is doing right. (This often comes up in discussions over the basis for morality, and how we should build our ethical frameworks.) The problem is that all of us (with maybe a few exceptions for sociopaths?) believe we are doing good when we are doing evil. We have great, compelling reasons for our worst acts. And worst of all are the things we do in the name of good.

Most evil in this world is perpetrated by people who think, at some level, that they are doing the right thing. The fight of good versus evil, when examined from both sides, is often the fight between two definitions of good. People can behave outrageously badly in the name of good. Just think of the Spanish Inquisition or modern suicide bombers. Whatever we do, we tend to find reasons for thinking we are right.

It is the uniquely human trait to reflect on our mistakes, and try to remedy them and do better. It is our ability to examine history and change our minds.

There are a couple more things I want to mention.

There is a good quick explanation in this book of how we trace DNA on both the father’s side (Y chromosome) and the mother’s side (mitochondria.) Random (benign) mutations occur at predictable intervals in portions of these, which allow tracing of populations. (People with more matches are more closely related, and had a common ancestor more recently than those with fewer matches.) This is explained in more detail in The Violinist’s Thumb, and you can find much more detail online in scientific publications.

I think that this understanding - at least on a surface level - is necessary before one can even begin to understand the science behind the relationships of various hominids - and primates. This is a fairly new field of study, and it has been a revolutionary confirmation of common descent.

The last bit I want to mention is Suddendorf’s discussion of the effect of technology on human evolution. As he notes, the internet has enabled minds to meet even more effectively than before. There is little reason that two minds cannot share information given our technology. It is pretty indisputable that this sharing of communication has given rise to an acceleration of scientific knowledge gathering and technological insight. It has also enabled people who otherwise might regard each other with suspicion and hate to form bonds of common humanity.

Suddendorf points out - correctly - that the technology of modern communication isn’t really new, however. It is a “logical extension of a long historical trend.” We desire to meld our minds, to connect, to share, discuss, complain, and even gossip. Our networks are bigger, but they are not some new impulse to be feared, as the older folks often do. Rather, they are a natural outgrowth of our humanity, our need to understand and be understood. Like any tool, they can be used for good or for evil - but the same is true of language itself.

This is a fascinating book, well researched, well written, and full of the sort of wonder that I have always loved in science.

I enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed being able to appreciate it without feeling compelled to defend theological sacred cows, and that makes me happy.

***

Just a note on the theological implications. Peter Enns sums it up well:

The fact that evolution causes theological problems does not mean evolution is wrong. It means we have theological problems.

Normally, we all know that we cannot judge if something is true on the basis of whether that truth is disruptive to us. We know it is wrong to assume one’s position and then evaluate data on the basis of that predetermined conclusion.

We are also normally very quick to point out this logical fallacy in others. If an atheist would defend his/her own belief system by saying, “I reject this datum because it does not fit my way of thinking,” we would be quick to pounce.

The truth of a historical Adam is not judged by how necessary such an Adam appears to be for theology. The proper response to evolution is to work through the theological challenges it presents (as many theologians and philosophers are doing), not dismiss the challenge itself.

Enns correctly points out that evolution does put a different spin on the Fall, for example. I personally have believed for a long time that the idea of sin being primarily a breaking of arbitrary rules was both harmful and did violence to the story in Genesis itself, which is pretty obviously a parable, not a literal account. (Seriously. Talking animals? Magic trees? I mean, the ancients never wrote these sorts of parables, right?) Looking at the fall from an evolutionary perspective refocuses the issue back on the meaning of “knowledge of good and evil.” At some point, mankind or our ancestor species gained sentience - and with it the ability to morally reason. Perhaps we did this before we were ready for the burden - and chose hate and violence instead of love. (I think it is no accident that right after the fall we have the first murder.) This idea also shifts the emphasis from the Evangelical obsession with rules (particularly sexual rules and gender roles) toward the goal of being loving in all we do. (Hey wait! Didn’t Christ himself say something about that?)

Thursday, June 16, 2016

M is for Magic by Neil Gaiman

Source of book: Audiobook from the library

My kids have really loved the two previous Neil Gaiman books we have listened to: Coraline and The Graveyard Book. They requested I find another one if possible. 



M is for Magic is a collection of short stories. Our library put it in the Young Adult section, and I can see why. Two of the stories are definitely more YA than Children’s stories. Depending on the specific parents and kids, of course. My kids have had their sex education, and I do not freak out if there are references to body parts and periods and making out. Your mileage may vary. The rest of the stories are generally suitable for kids, although a couple are pretty creepy. Which is a plus for my kids.

As I have done for some previous collections, I’ll review the individual stories one at a time.

“The Case of the Four and Twenty Blackbirds”

The best way to describe this one is as a nursery rhyme sendup of hard-boiled detective fiction. “Little” Jack Horner is the detective, hired to find out who killed Humpty Dumpty. Yeah, this probably has been done before, but Gaiman handles it with skill, getting both the atmosphere and the quirky details of the nursery rhymes right.

“Troll Bridge”

This one is definitely YA. It is also a bit of a dark tale, about a troll that wants to eat the narrator’s life. I would say it is very Neil Gaiman, however, to find a way of capturing the longing of childhood for a long and good life ahead and the teenage desire to be with the opposite sex, using fear and a troll to make them more real. It’s one of the things I really like about Gaiman: his ability to use the fantastic and the unworldly to make sense of the very real psychology of us humans. It is the use of fantasy in the best possible way, not as a mere escape from reality but as a way to make the real more real and more understandable.

“Don’t Ask Jack”

This is a very short about a sinister toy - and also the passage of time. The evil Jack-in-the-Box is disliked by everyone, from the toys to the children who would otherwise play with him. So he sits in the corner of the old house. As time goes by, the children grow up, have families and problems, and grow old. A good example of how to distill an idea into a very few short pages.

“How to Sell the Ponti Bridge”

This story is firmly in the tradition of the Tall Tale, and also a nod to Washington Irving’s  Knickerbocker Club. The members of the club in this case are intergalactic scam artists, who gain membership through their ingenious schemes to separate marks from their money. In this story, an elderly member tells the tale of how he sold the “Ponti Bridge,” a fictional bridge made of jewels held together by magic. (Ponti is of course a reference to the Italian word for bridge, and the bridge itself seems related to landmarks in the Arabian Nights.)

The twist in this case is exactly how the scammer manages to profit off of a bridge that everyone knows is owned by the government - and sells his scam to highly educated and knowledgeable victims by leveraging their greed.    

“October in the Chair”

There is a story within a story in this story. The framing device is a scene in the forest where the personifications of the months tell tales as part of a tradition. The seasons are given personalities to match their, well, personalities. Eventually, October, who is presiding, gets to tell his tale, and that is the one we here. I believe this story was written before The Graveyard Book, and it presages some of the ideas in the latter. A boy runs away from a home he is not welcome in (yet another lonely kid in a Gaiman book…) and ends up making friends with a boy in a graveyard. The boy is, naturally, a ghost. Unlike in The Graveyard Book, there is the implication that in order to join the ghosts, the boy must become dead himself. The story ends before it is resolved, leaving the other months unsatisfied with the ending.

“Chivalry”

This is one of the two best (in my opinion) stories in the collection. The elderly Mrs. Whittaker, resident of a sleepy town in England, has her routine and her carefully ordered life and is content. And then, one day, she is shopping as usual at the local thrift store, and calmly notices that the Holy Grail is there, next to the other bits of bric-a-brac. She buys it, and places it on the mantle between a picture of her late husband, and a china basset hound.

Not too long after, Sir Galaad (Gaiman’s spelling) shows up, very polite and all, looking for the Grail. At first, she won’t let him in. He is, after all, a stranger and a man and all. However, after she asks for ID, and he produces his commission from King Arthur showing he is on a “high and noble quest,” she lets him in. (The ID was, after all, much more official looking than a silly card with a photo on it.)

Galaad wants to repossess the Grail, but Mrs. Whittaker really, really likes how it looks in her collection, and is loath to part with it. Galaad offers gold, but she isn’t impressed.

Later, however, having quested and travelled the world, he returns with three treasures: the philosopher’s stone, a phoenix egg, and the apple of life. This proves to be enough to tempt Mrs. Whittaker - mostly. She decides that the stone and the egg will be exchanged for the grail - two for one is a good deal, and the new additions will fit her collection. However, the apple, and its promise of renewed youth frightens her. While she remembers her youth with pleasure, she decides she would rather remain as she is - an old lady with her mundane, everyday life.

I loved the gentle humor of this story, and its treatment of old age. Gaiman is nowhere near pessimistic in this story, and grants age a realism and dignity that it deserves.

“The Price”

This one is a creepy horror story about a cat that adopts the narrator - and turns out to have a secret life fighting off the Devil at night.

“How to Talk to Girls at Parties”

This is the other YA oriented story. The narrator is friends with another high school aged boy. While the narrator is shy and awkward around girls, his friend is a true man-about-town, who has girls at his beck and call whenever he wants. The two friends decide to go out and crash a party in the neighborhood, but discover that it is, well, a bit unusual. At first it seems pretty normal. A bunch of young people, some underaged drinking, and snogging. Except that as the narrator starts actually talking to the girls, he finds out that they are, well, foreign. And not in the sense of exchange students from the continent, but as in from other worlds. The conversations become increasingly bizarre, until his friend - who had been trying to make out with the prettiest girl - comes down in a panic, and they flee.

You can read the whole story here, on Gaiman’s website. The story is certainly an interesting twist on the fear of girls at a certain age - and the way they seem to be from a different planet.

“Sunbird”

“Sunbird” is my other favorite story in the collection. The story was written for Gaiman’s daughter, and is “in the style of” science fiction writer R. A. Lafferty, supposedly. (I’ve never read Lafferty, so I would have no idea.

The Epicurean Club is devoted to eating everything possible. New tastes are all, and they have sampled everything from endangered species to flash-frozen mammoth and mastodon from thousands of years ago. And they are now suffering from ennui. It has all been eaten, all tasted, and there is nothing but boredom awaiting.

The oldest member, however, has a suggestion: they should travel to Cairo, and eat the Sunbird in Heliopolis. A few of the other members have a vague premonition of doom about the whole thing, but they can’t figure out why. What is the Sunbird, and why is it not mentioned in the minutes of the Club? And why is there a page missing which appears to have been burned? And, for that matter, why is the oldest member continually eating coals?

I won’t spoil the ending, but it is delightful.

“The Witch’s Headstone”

I won’t say too much about this one. It was made, nearly word for word, into a chapter in The Graveyard Book, which I reviewed earlier this year. In fact, don’t bother reading this story, just go straight to the full length book.

“Instructions”

This final one is a poem. It is a collection of advice for navigating a fairy tale or myth or legend. Throughout are references to tropes from the world of fantasy - including Gaiman’s own stories. You can find an annotated version here. 

As with the other audiobooks by Gaiman that we have listened to, the author himself narrates. Gaiman is delightful to listen to, and has a pleasant yet creepy voice. The title of the collection is a tribute to Ray Bradbury, and his collections R is for Rocket and S is for Space. Gaiman was an avid reader of short stories as a child, and Bradbury was one of his favorites.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Rabbit Hill by Robert Lawson

Source of book: Audiobook from the library

This is another book that I loved as a kid and wanted to share with my own kids. My youngest daughter loves rabbits (and Hello Kitty), so this book seemed like a natural choice that she might enjoy.

Rabbit Hill was written in 1945, in the waning days of World War II, and it is clearly a product of that atmosphere. The Allies would have face the task of rebuilding Europe after the catastrophe and figuring out what to do with the formerly isolated Japan. In addition, the armed forces were integrating (finally), and the Civil Rights Movement was gaining steam. To that end, Robert Lawson wrote an animal tale that faced the fears and hopes for the future.

The house on the hill has been vacant for years, and before that, the tenants let everything go to seed. No garden, no lawn, the fields neglected. The animal residents of the hill have suffered hard times.

But now, there are new folks coming! Who will these new folks be? Will they be cruel hunters? Will they be animal lovers? Will it be a time of plenty, or of fear of death?

The characters are memorable and charming as I remembered them. Little Georgie the rabbit is the main protagonist. He is a bit cocky and distractible - befitting his age - but he is athletic and strong, enjoying his speed and youth. His mother is a chronic worrier, while his father is a “Southern Gentleman,” always speaking in highfalutin’ language and boring everyone with his tales of how much better everything was in the Bluegrass Country. Uncle Analdus, who Georgie is sent to fetch, is a cantankerous and hot-headed old man, but he has a lot of knowledge which may prove useful to new challenges. There are other animals too: Willie the field mouse, who is the spy for the rest (because he can climb the rain barrell and see in the window of the house); Mole, fiercely loyal to his friend Willie; and the hilarious Phewie the skunk, connoisseur of garbage. (The kids laughed most at Phewie’s lines.)

When the New Folks arrive, there is uncertainty as to how things will play out. They seem nice, but they have a cat. They are planning a large garden, but will they be willing to share with the animals? Many signs point toward them being benevolent, but when Georgie is injured by a car and taken in by the Folks, conspiracy theories tear apart the harmony of the hill. In the end, however, it is St. Francis of Assisi who wins out, and Lawson shows a vision of cooperation and harmony.

The audiobook version we listened to was narrated by Barbara Caruso, who did a fine enough job. The only problem was a certain amount of scratching and skipping on the CD, due to hard wear. That is always a risk with children’s audiobooks, we have found.

I am glad that we own this book, though, because part of the charm can be found in Lawson’s illustrations. (He worked as an illustrator for other authors as well.)


Just one note, however. It is strongly implied (although not stated) that the Folks’ cook and housekeeper is African American. In the original version, the illustrations of her tend toward a caricature. In editions published since 1970, these are omitted, which is just as well. Sulphronia is a minor character - and positively portrayed - so the offensive pictures distract rather than enhance.

It was nice to revisit this book, and the optimism that it contains. Perhaps we will never see harmony on this level worldwide, but the 70 years since have been good to Lawson’s hope. After centuries of fighting, Western Europe has had an extended run of peace. Japan has become an ally. It is a testament to those who worked so hard in the aftermath of the war to sow peace rather than hatred. Lawson’s choice of St. Francis of Assisi is thus doubly appropriate. He is the patron saint of animals - and his love for them during his lifetime is rightfully legendary. But he also was and is the bringer of peace.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

What I Learned About My Wife in Fifteen Years of Marriage

One of the things that well meaning people tell young people considering marriage is some variation on this:

“Just wait until you get married. Then you will really get to know all of the annoying things about your spouse.”

Some of the “christian perspective” ones are even more dour, explaining that you really won’t discover just how bad a sinner your spouse is until you have to live with them day in and day out.

Now I do get it. Marriage isn’t all wine and roses, and none of us are at our best all the time. I myself am a lot harder to live with after weeks on end of getting up several times a night to feed a baby. I understand the desire to prevent naive youngsters from thinking infatuation lasts exactly how it starts. I get that they don’t want young married folk to think that it is abnormal to have disagreements or to feel unhappy.

I do want to offer a different perspective.

My wife and I celebrate 15 years of marriage today.

We’ve had five kids together, been through the ups and downs. We’ve had a lot of nights up with the kids, had our days and weeks of frustration and stress.

But one thing I can say is this:

What I have learned about my wife over the last 15 years are not her faults. I have learned so much about her strengths.

I have learned that my wife has incredible stamina - more than me. She can go on less sleep, do more physically and mentally, and still keep her wits and good sense about her.

I have learned that my wife can carry me when I need it. I am an emotional guy, I have my insecurities and fears, and I don’t always handle change or uncertainty well. My wife has been my rock in these moments. She has a strength that amazes me.

I have learned that my wife loves me even when I am most difficult to be around.

I have learned that my wife loves the me that I am, not the me that she planned to make me. I have never been a “project” in her eyes.

I have learned that my wife isn’t afraid of anyone, which is more than I can say for most people I know. She will stand up to bullies and isn’t afraid to have her name on it.

I have learned that my wife can fabricate pretty much anything. Portcullis from duct tape? Costume dress from a photograph? Correct errors in a knitting pattern? Gluten free cream puffs so a friend can eat them? She does it all and more.

I have learned that my wife actually does like to snuggle, even if it took a bit of time for her to realize it herself.

I have learned that she thrives on respect, and have learned to give it to her.

I have learned that every self help book that purports to know “what women are like” is dead wrong about my wife.

I have learned that - unlike me - she can down a large coffee and go to sleep an hour later.

I have learned that I will never regret asking for her advice and counsel. Every time I have listened to her, I have been glad I did.

I have learned that she has excellent judgment and a level head.

I have learned that together we can accomplish pretty nearly anything.

I learned that if the world needed saving, she would be the one I’d want in charge, and would gladly be her goofy sidekick.

I have learned that she is the very best sort of best friend anyone could have.

I learned that I have had a shot at love that most people will never have.

In short, what I have learned about my wife in 15 years of marriage is that she is much more, much better, and much more loveable than I realized when I married her.

Had I known what she was really like, rather than hesitate before marriage, I would have been that much more eager to walk down that aisle. Because I have discovered that she is more than I could ever have expected. 

The lovely Amanda earlier this year.

***

One of the songs that became “ours” in the last couple of years:

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again'
So I say 'why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in’

***

If you want to read more mushy posts, here is the list: