Diary of an Autodidact: A Quarter Century Together

Today is the 25th Anniversary of the first date my wife and I went on together.

For those who wondered, we had coffee, then watched The Comedy of Errors at a local theater. This clearly set a precedent, because we have enjoyed attending live theater together ever since. And coffee is a given in our household.

It has long been traditional to commemorate the anniversary of a marriage - that date when two persons pledge their undying love. But I decided to take note of our anniversary of being together, which, in a way, is every bit as important to me as our marriage.

It isn’t that I think marriage is meaningless. Quite the contrary. But relationships are more of a continuum than a series of plateaux with clear and clean dividing lines.

For my wife and I, once we started dating, we both pretty much knew we were getting married, even if her first proposal to me (four months later) or mine to her (four months after that) would be in the future for us.

From then on, our relationship gradually became more intimate in every way all the way up until our marriage. And, for that matter, it has grown more intimate thereafter. Marriage mostly meant we now shared a household, and could wake up next to each other.

We now have a quarter century of building a life together. That is more than half of our lifetimes with each other than without.

Things have changed a lot over those years. She is no longer that 19 year old starting her second year of college. I am no longer that 23 year old in law school.

We have five children (more than we expected, but all of them welcome), three of which are adults now, and the other two of which are teenagers. We had a lot of great years with infants, toddlers, kids, and teens, and are enjoying seeing them grow into the people they were meant to be.

We have survived a pandemic, a real estate collapse, 20 years of working a day/night shift split, and significant ongoing political unrest.

We have walked the streets of Paris and New York City together.

There are too many memories and too many events in our quarter century to even begin to list.

As in any long term close human relationship, we have had our share of stress, squabbles, crises, reconciliations, passion, exhaustion, and surprises. That’s the nature of being human and living with other humans.

But the beauty of a truly companionate marriage is that you are good friends, equals, co-conspirators against whatever comes your way.

Neither of us could have predicted how our lives would look now, but all of the unexpected is easier and better with a good partner. Everything is better when you have someone who has your back, who supports you when you are struggling, who brings you good and not evil all the days of your life.

I also greatly appreciate having a partner who can be counted on to show excellent judgment in everything. This is something I did not have in my birth family, where profoundly poor judgment was all too common. A steady, thoughtful, informed, and open-minded partner is to be treasured.

Where our lives will go from here is anyone’s guess. We live in Interesting Times, for better and for worse. But I cannot think of anyone I would rather face the future with than her.

Here’s to the next quarter century!