Source of book: Audiobook from the library
This was another random selection - I wanted an audiobook, and it happened to come up as available and recommended for me based on other books I have borrowed.
It is probably the second-most “chick-lit” book I have read this year - the title for most goes to the gay farce I Might Be In Trouble. But that is to misrepresent the book a bit. This isn’t breezy chick-lit at all, but rather a thoughtful female-centered story that I think qualifies as literary.
I think the reason my initial reaction was to classify it as chick-lit was that it does check some of the usual boxes, including what initially felt like a gender stereotyping of women as the emotional sex. But as the book unfolds, it becomes clear that there is a lot more going on than the opening pages would suggest. By the end of the book, the characters have all become more complicated and nuanced, and the emotions far from simple or black and white.
The other reason, perhaps, and one I am aware doesn’t reflect well on my cultural conditioning, is that the book is all about emotions, relationships, and [gasp!] menopause - this is a book written specifically for a female audience, and definitely not with the intent of catering to men.
I have thought over and over about how to write this post without spoilers, and I just don’t think I can do it. Thus, after setting the stage, I will give a warning, and the reader can decide whether to proceed.
The title itself is a double entendre. Not a naughty one, but one which gives a clue as to one of the main themes of the book.
On the surface, dang the characters eat a lot of sandwiches. But really, this refers to the fact that the protagonist, Rachel (aka Rocky), is at the “Sandwich Generation” stage of life: still getting a kid through college while also looking after aging parents.
She is also going through menopause. And also still feeling guilt from a 20 year old secret - something she has told literally no one, not even her husband or her therapist.
And her secret isn’t even the only one. Each generation has its own.
The setting is a vacation cottage at Cape Cod - the family has spent a week there every year for decades. For this one, Rocky and her husband Nick are joined by her parents, and also by their adult children, Willa and Jamie. And also Jamie’s girlfriend Maya.
Between the menopause, the secrets, and the difficulties of this time of life - children growing up and going their own ways, parents growing frail and ill - there is a lot of drama during this week.
And yet, to refer to it as drama is perhaps too much.
The thing is, while imperfect and human, the family is shockingly functional. They actually can talk about their emotions, listen to each other, and act kindly. And they all truly love each other.
So when I say “drama,” what I really mean is that there are emotions, there are illnesses, there are some mild arguments, but everything comes from a place of love, respect, and mutual good will.
And, coming from my own family background, WHAT THE FUCK???
You mean families can actually work like this? They can actually talk about things, listen, and show love and compassion, without a need to control? That’s crazy!
This book also really resonated with the time of life I am in right now.
Our kids are starting to fly the nest, make their own lives, and separate from us as they should. Our parents are aging and experiencing health issues. Although I am not the one who will be going through menopause, a lot of the stuff in the book about that feels familiar. Rocky finds that everything irritates her, for example, whether it should or not, and even though she knows it, her emotions still exist.
The family also is both familiar and aspirational. My wife and I are liberals compared to our parents (and I am the most liberal in my own family.) We too have had a kid come out to us, and chose to handle that in an affirming way, rather than in the condemning way my parents have. We are trying, in general, to raise our children in a less toxic and controlling environment than we grew up in, and to allow our children to become who they are, not political and cultural clones of ourselves.
Definitely, the idea of navigating college, career, and partners with one’s children is where we are at.
I really want to be like Rocky and Nick, mostly. (And, if I am honest, I really am more like Rocky…)
At this point, spoilers, so….
As the week unfolds, so do the secrets.
Maya is pregnant, and is unsure if she wants to keep the pregnancy. But worse, she hasn’t told Jamie, but instead tells Rocky (who has already guessed.) Unsurprisingly, this upsets Jamie. This bit of drama, though, results not in a big blowup, but in the characters talking it out, expressing their emotions, and moving forward in a positive way. Part of this is that Rocky acknowledges that Jamie’s feelings are valid, even if it wasn’t Rocky’s fault Maya told her. She also gives full support, regardless of what decision Maya makes.
Likewise, rather than attack his mother, Jamie is able to express his hurt without accusing her of wrongdoing.
So, that is one level of secret. And some decisions that will need to be made.
But the older generation has some secrets too. Rocky’s mom is having heart issues, something she hasn’t told her daughter (and only child.) So this has to be talked through, particularly after a fainting episode at the beach followed by an emergency room visit.
That isn’t the only secret either. Rocky’s dad has never told her that his parents died in the Holocaust - something that comes out when Willa starts asking questions.
So yeah, big time generational trauma. It is amazing that this family is as functional as it is. But that seems in significant part because each generation has chosen to respond with love, even if imperfect, rather than control.
And then, there is the big one for Rocky.
Twenty years prior, in the throes of having two small children, and probably postpartum depression (before that was regularly diagnosed and treated), she found herself pregnant. She got an abortion, but never told anyone.
Despite being (and remaining) pro-choice, she was blindsided by her feelings, which went from ambivalence to a deep desire to get pregnant again. This was followed by miscarriage and then an inability to conceive. So, a big festering ball of guilt, grief, and loneliness, because she never talked about it.
Menopause brings up all these suppressed emotions. The end of Rocky’s fertility, her feeling that her body is betraying her, and her struggle to deal with hormonal emotions.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a downer of a book. It isn’t. At times it is laugh out loud hilarious. Rocky is a superb protagonist and narrator, likeable even when frustrating. And so very human. She is obviously the glue that holds the family together, so her tendency toward anxiety is understandable, even though she knows it isn’t always healthy.
The other characters are believable, individual, and human as well. As are the family dynamics. The petty frustrations, the personality clashes, the predictable and longstanding tensions. But also the way that people who genuinely love, respect, and like each other work through the inevitable clashes.
My own experience has been and is like this in part. My wife and I definitely fit this pattern - we have been together more than a quarter century, and we really do make the effort to fight fair, to work through disagreements, and to find common solutions. Likewise, my brother and I have always been close, so that side of the family relationship fits.
I wish the other relationships in my family could have gone this direction. Unfortunately, mental illness, personality disorders, and toxic authoritarian parenting beliefs ultimately severed those relationships. In the book, there is a nod in this direction - Nick’s mother is a bigoted addict, and thus, really doesn’t have a relationship with Nick’s kids. Thus it goes, and for my parents as well.
Sandwich isn’t the sort of book I would normally seek out, but it was a good read. I should say as well that I approve of the trend toward middle aged female protagonists - we have had so many middle aged guys already, but women have tended to be invisible. That is a shame, because, in my experience, middle aged women are actually pretty awesome to have as friends.
The audiobook was narrated by Nan McNamara, who I am not familiar with, but who did an excellent job. I think she captured Rocky’s voice well.
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