Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? by Caitlin Doughty

Source of book: I own this.

 

Americans have a pathological fear of death. Let’s just get that out of the way. And the more they claim to believe in an afterlife (of any kind, not just the Evangelical idea of hell and heaven), the more they - in practice - fear death. 

 

This is my experience in estate planning, but even more so, my wife’s experience in dealing with death in the ICU. 

 

Those who most claim to believe they will live on in paradise are the exact same people who refuse to accept that their loved one is dying and let them go. 

 

Which is one reason I have come to think that organized religion is a steaming pile of bullshit. For all it claims to offer, it can’t seem to get people to live as if they believed the doctrines. When (on average) atheists are more accepting of death than religious people, something has gone badly wrong. 

 

[Hint: when your religious practice is all about hating people different from you, it distracts from thinking about your future.] 

 

Caitlin Doughty is a mortician, an author, and an advocate for reform in the funeral industry. At age 8, she saw another child fall to its death from a balcony. Rather than deal with it, her parents whisked her away, and never spoke of it again. Which, I guess, is a pretty good reason why she ended up working with dead bodies.

 

Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? is a lighthearted question-and-answer based exploration of death and dead bodies. Doughty seeks to de-mystify death and bodies and decay and the natural processes of the end of life. And she is utterly correct: death is literally the most natural and universal experience of life in this universe. 

 

The answer to the title question, by the way, is “probably not.” Despite the stereotypes, cats are like other carnivorous creatures - dogs included - and, once sure you are dead, might take a bite of the food you have now become. Just like a dog will. But more likely, tender parts such as cheeks will be their choice. They are, after all, small creatures with small teeth. Leave the tough stuff for the vultures. 

 

The questions in this book are mostly practical, and mostly based on questions children have asked her - because kids really do ask the best questions. Doughty’s tone is always calm and rational, yet also compassionate. She never hides behind euphemism, never dismisses a question, and always balances respect for the living and the recently living with realism about death. 

 

By the way, I thoroughly agree with her regarding the absurdity of the funeral industry. I see zero point in embalming and air-tight caskets and vaults and other stuff that seems more in line with ancient Egyptian beliefs than either Christianity or basic reality. Whatever happens after I die, it will not require my intact body, which will, if allowed, return its atoms to the cycle. I am fine with cremation or composting or whatever the most environmentally friendly option is at the time, and I really don’t see the need for a headstone or memorial. Keep my memory alive, and maybe preserve what I have written. Although that too will fade in time, I have no doubt. I will have lived, and that will have been enough. 

 

This book is also humorous. Doughty has a dry sense of humor - I think you have to in her profession - and a knack for picking questions that lead to some funny places. 

 

By the way, this book can go along with Mary Roach’s equally delightful and witty book, Stiff. The books have a little overlap, but not a lot. Both are fun. 

 

There were a few lines which stood out. 

 

One comes near the beginning, in a discussion about what would happen if an astronaut were to die on a long journey. And yes, NASA has thought about this. There is a system designed to freeze the body in space, dehydrate it, then shatter the brittle freeze dried body into powder. Since the system was called “Body Back,” Doughty couldn’t resist a Justin Timberlake spoof:

 

“I’m bringing body back, returning corpses but they’re not intact…” 

 

Doughty also talks about the Body Worlds exhibition, explaining a bit of the plastination process, as well as the ethical issues for some of the corpses. (Most were voluntarily donated, which is interesting.) She also notes the range of reactions to the exhibit, from those who love them to an unnamed person (probably a writer) who called it “a gruesome Brechtian parody of capitalist excess.” Doughty quips, “I don’t know what that means either, but it sounds bad.” 

 

In the section on what happens if the ground is frozen solid, she talks about the sheds that were (and in some cases still are) used to house the bodies until things thaw enough for a burial. 

 

For many years, a wintertime funeral procession ended not at the grave, but at the dead house. Normally, the mourners would head straight to the burial site, but if the ground was frozen the body had to wait for the spring thaw in the afterlife equivalent of the DMV. 

 

She also notes that all of this costs extra money, whether the storage or the use of heavy equipment to break the frost. “No such thing as a free corpsicle!” 

 

And, of course, there has to be a discussion of mummies. Of particular note is the one discovered where a brain removal tool was stuck in the back of the skull. Doughty opines, “I certainly hope that embalmer got a negative Yelp review.” 

 

At the end of the book, Doughty includes a section entitled “Is My Child Normal.” Her friend, child psychiatrist Dr. Alicia Jorgenson, assists in answering the questions. And yes, it is perfectly normal for children to have questions about death. 

 

Certainly, my second child has always been fascinated with these sorts of questions, since age three and “Do animals like to be eaten?” 

 

This section too attempts to demystify and defuse death. Because one of our national neuroses is the way we deny and ignore death, and try to somehow protect our children from it. 

 

As a final note, I want to mention the utterly delightful illustrations by Dianne Ruz. There is a cartoon version of Doughty, as well as adorable skeletons. 

 

It is nice to occasionally mix something lighthearted into my reading. This book definitely qualifies, and Doughty is doing her part to make positive change in how our culture deals with death.