A White Man's Guide to White Male Writers of the Western Canon by Dana Schwartz

Source of book: Borrowed from the library

 

This book was mentioned by a couple of friends in an online discussion, and I decided to pick it up for a light and humorous read. And it fit that category. Also, literary nerdiness, which any reader of this blog knows is my thing. 

 

The book grew out of Dana Schwartz’ spoof twitter account “GuyInYourMFA,” which one suspects isn’t so much spoofed as stolen from the chauvinist male MFA sorts she put up with over the years. The book itself gives a litany of major male authors from Shakespeare to “The Jonathans,” from a perspective that manages to show adoration, navel gazing, and an utter lack of self-awareness. Which is exactly the point. And yes, it is a heck of a lot of fun. 

 

With a few exceptions, quoting it would be beside the point, so best left to a brief description and a recommendation. Each author has a few sections, from a “biography” which is usually a few fun facts, especially any bad relationships the author had with women who didn’t recognize his genius; to a list of key works, summed up in a delightfully snarky (and often completely misunderstood) way. There are also “sound like a pedant” boxes, with tips for how to ruin any dinner party you attend, and tips for being a pro writer.

 

There are some great zingers to share. Let’s start at the top. 

 

Welcome to The White Man’s Guide to White Male Writers of the Western Canon. I’m happy you’re here. Or at least I would be happy if I didn’t maintain an air of disaffected ironic detachment at all times. 

 

Or, the first “Tip”: 

 

If anyone asks if you want to discuss “Bartleby the Scrivener,” by Herman Melville, just smile slyly and say, “I would prefer not to.” 

 

Which is both funny, and also you know the sort who would say that…

 

Goethe, naturally, is part of the canon, and he gets some good snark. Here is the description of his poem “Marionbad Elegy”: 

 

Goethe spent the summer in the town of Marienbad, where he fell in love with a seventeen-year-old girl named Ulrike von Levetzow. He asked her to marry him, and the girl declined. It might have had something to do with the fact that Goethe was then seventy-three years old. Goethe, heartbroken, composed what many critics consider his finest work, a poem of devastating and utter heartbreak, which is exactly what one would feel when you’re seventy-three years old and a teenager doesn’t want to marry you. 

 

Byron gets some good snark. Which is, to be fair, like shooting a fish in a barrel. 

 

Ugh, what is it with women? All day long, yap yap yap. It’s like, “Byron, please stop cheating on me.” “Byron, could you please actually stay with me after you ask me to leave my husband for you?” “Byron, hey, this is your friend, it’s pretty weird how you’re sleeping with your half sister.” Ugh. 

 

And:

 

“Mad, bad, and dangerous to know” is about as good of a reputation as a White Male Writer can have. Lean the hell into it. 

 

Another great line is regarding Tolstoy. 

 

But Tolstoy’s eyes were really opened when he took a gap year traveled abroad, read Victor Hugo, saw an execution in Paris, and all in all witnessed the gritty human truths that only reveal themselves to white twenty-something boys who come from insane wealth when they go to Europe for the first time. 

 

Of course, there is also Fitzgerald:

 

One of the greatest American writers of the twentieth century, he embodied the “Lost Generation” of the 1920s - drinking heavily, writing novels and for magazines, marrying a woman you can’t save, and having your work woefully misinterpreted by high school students. 

 

For John Updike, there is a section entitled “How to Write a Female Character,” which ends with this one:

 

3. Give her a character arc.

    Just kidding. 

 

And, this cartoon. (The illustrations are by Jason Katzenstein.) 

 

Speaking of illustrations: which of the Jonathan’s are you talking about? 

 

There are two final lines from the Afterword. The first fits with a real-life story. First, here is the line:

 

Never assume a woman has ever read anything in her entire life. Just explain it to her. It’ll save her the embarrassment of having to ask. 

 

Okay, so there is this middle-aged dude who used to haunt all the homeschool groups here in Bakersfield. He’s a total piece of work, from his foot-high “Trump” stickers on his vehicle to his open pushing of white supremacist propaganda. Which is why my wife was able to get him banned from the online forums she follows. In addition, because of course, he is an unsufferable chauvinist. Several years back, when his kid and one of mine were in a local kids’ wind band, he saw my wife reading a book, and said something to the effect of, “Have you ever read a book that big before?” She didn’t reply, but just gave him a certain look. 

 

And ever after, we refer to him as “Tiny Books.” 

 

The final one is, um, a bit too familiar for comfort:

 

If you don’t know how to critique a piece someone else has written, repeat after me: “The ending just didn’t feel earned.” 

 

I haven’t read through the 1000+ posts I have written, but I swear I said that about a book or two. Oh well, I guess I am a white guy, even if I don’t have my MFA…