A Chance to Right a Wrong

All of us have done at least a few things we regret during our lifetimes. (Well, except sociopaths…) 

 

For me, two of my biggest regrets have been votes I cast. I talked about the first one, my vote for Proposition 187 during my first ever vote. It was one time I knew I was violating my Christian values, but, because of where I was politically at the time, I voted that way anyway. I regret it, and would certainly not vote that way again. Fortunately, the court system invalidated most of the law, and at this point, I haven’t had a direct opportunity to re-do that vote - other than opposing Trump and MAGA like I do now.

 

The other vote I cast that I deeply regret was voting for Proposition 8 back in 2008. This was the one that outlawed same-sex marriage. 

 

This election, I am able to vote again on the issue, and I am voting to remove Proposition 8 from our laws. (It is dead due to the Obergefell case, but we all know that the extremist right wing Supreme Court is eager to take that right away from people along with reproductive rights, so California is getting ahead of things by enshrining a right to marriage - including interracial marriage, which some Republicans are now saying should be decided by the states.) 

 

This is a chance for me to right a wrong I did. And I am doing it. 

 

So why did I vote for Proposition 8 in the first place? Well, it’s complicated. I have known LGBTQ people for my entire life, and my parents actually raised me to reject hate. However, they were (and still are) wedded to the belief that God forbids sex outside of monogamous heterosexual marriage. And, unfortunately, as time went on, they got more bigoted about it. This is one reason we are estranged: my mom in particular has been non-accepting of her LGBTQ grandchildren, and indeed blames my wife for their identities. (This has been debunked, and even Exodus International, the infamous “conversion therapy” promoter, has admitted that this is untrue, and apologized for slandering parents by blaming them.) 

 

In any case, I was and am a product of my upbringing, and my deprogramming and deconstruction from the more harmful political and religious beliefs didn’t happen all at once. I was still not ready at that point to let go of my belief that gay sex was inherently sinful. (Even if I didn’t believe that orientation was something you chose or could change - I was Side B for those who know.) This changed, ironically, because of an anti-gay sermon my former pastor gave. 

 

There was another reason, though, that gave me doubts about gay marriage that didn’t come primarily from religious bigotry. 

 

At the time, I was still doing a lot of family law, and one of the realities of that system is that fathers are devalued. This could be a whole post in and of itself, but the fact still remains that the sexist view that women are more suited to child care than men governs most custody decisions. (There is all kinds of legalese about this, and the sexist child care practices in most marriages is a huge factor as well.) 

 

So, for me, being mostly familiar with lesbian couples who had children - remember, this was 16 years ago, so Pete and Chastain Buttigieg were in the future and gay fathers had pretty much zero visibility. Thus, I associated gay marriage in part with the further marginalization of fathers in their children’s lives. 

 

Looking back, I was wrong about this too. And I recognize that I was still harboring some gender essentialist views, as well as discounting the role of non-parents in the lives of children. 

 

So yeah, I was wrong. But at least on this issue, my “wrong” was coming from a better place than the “gay sex is sin” bigotry. 

 

I will also point out that I watched very little television at that time (actually, still watch very little television) and completely missed the nasty, hateful ads - which are essentially being recycled to target transgender people now. I wonder if I had seen the level of vitriol and slander directed against gay people, if that might have changed my mind? The same way the level of vitriol directed by my former pastor against LGBTQ people in that sermon woke me up and changed my mind forever. 

 

Whatever the case, I am deeply sorry for the way I voted, and welcome the chance to make that wrong right. 

 

If some good is to be drawn from this, it is that over time, I have recognized why I voted to harm others, and now do my best to check that every time I vote - to consider the effect on vulnerable people particularly when I consider what I think might be best for people like me. 

 

This is also why I hold out some hope that people can indeed change and grow in a positive way. My parents have chosen not to, and I suspect that they will continue to choose not to, because their identity is so tied to their particular religious and political ideologies. If love for their grandchildren couldn’t change their minds, can anything? But I know others who have in fact changed because of their love for a child or a grandchild, and I hope that this will eventually lead to the elimination of this particular bigotry against people who are after all just a normal and natural part of humanity. 

 

Get out there and vote for love and not hate!