Authoritarian Parenting: Outsourcing Your Morality

"It is not so easy as people think to be a free man. In truth, the only ones who assert that it is easy are those who have decided to forego freedom. For freedom is refused not because of its privileges, as some would have us believe, but because of its exhausting tasks...Liberty has sons who are not all legitimate or to be admired. Those who applaud it only when it justifies their privileges and shout nothing but censorship when it threatens them are not on our side...In short, all flee real responsibility, the effort of being consistent or of having an opinion of one's own, in order to take refuge in the parties or groups that will think for them, express their anger for them, and make their plans for them."

~ Albert Camus ("Homage to an Exile")

 

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery… For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself…But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.”

~ Epistle to the Galatians

 

“Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.”

~ Epistle to the Hebrews

 

***

 

Two Visions of Morality

 

There is an eternal battle in human society between two visions of morality. 

 

On the one hand, there is the authoritarian vision: those who have power determine morality for everyone else and exert control through rules. These people claim that God speaks through them, and that their power is proof of this. 

 

In the various writings of the New Testament, this vision is referred to as “The Law.” 

 

On the other hand, there is a vision that there is no mediator between God and people - there is no one authority that can speak for God or determine morality for the rest of us. Writers over time have used various words for this: Saint Paul used the term “Grace.” Later writers such as Camus would use the term “Freedom.” 

 

In this vision, each of us has the responsibility for our own morality. We choose it, and must defend it on its own terms, rather than shift blame to an authority or a rule or law. 

 

The first allows us to outsource our morality, to avoid responsibility for our beliefs and words and actions. The second places that responsibility firmly back on us, and we cannot evade that responsibility. As Camus notes, it is a heavy responsibility. As the unknown writer of Hebrews puts it, it takes constant use to train oneself in ethical thinking and behavior. Legalism and authoritarianism are the easy, lazy way out. 

 

***

 

The Historical Battle Between the Two Visions

 

Some of our greatest revolutions of the modern age were expressly concerned with this battle of ideas. 

 

When Martin Luther nailed his complaints about the Roman Church, he was challenging the outsourcing of morality to religious authorities. 

 

When various religious dissenters formed some of the original US colonies, they established freedom of religion, a concept that would eventually be enshrined in our constitution. This wasn’t just about religious observance per se, but about freedom of conscience - the right to own one’s own morality, rather than be forced to outsource it to religious authorities.

 

When the enslaved sought to free themselves, they did it in no small part to take responsibility for their own morality, rather than outsourcing it to their enslavers and the enslavement system. (Including having the choice of partners and the right to raise their children.) 

 

Our current Culture War battles are ultimately about the separation of authoritarian religion and state power - that is, the right of the rest of us to own our own morality, rather than outsource it to the authoritarians. 

 

***

 

Outsourcing Morality in the Family Context

 

For children growing up in homes that embraced Religious Authoritarian Parenting, morality was easy: “Children Obey Your Parents in the Lord.” 

 

Want to know what is right and wrong? Your parents will tell you. And whatever they tell you to do or not do is in fact right. Period. 

 

Sure, in theory there was an exception: you could disobey a command to commit a sin. But how did you know what was sinful? Well, your parents would tell you. 

 

And if they believed in Religious Authoritarian Parenting, then they also believed that the specific religious, cultural, and political beliefs of that subculture were God’s most perfect truth. To question the cult was to question God himself. As long as the parents are following the morality of the cult, then they would by definition be right, and the child wrong. 

 

To the child, the parents were, for all intents and purposes, God himself. 

 

For a child then, to challenge the beliefs of one’s parent was to sin. I remember being told plenty of times when I did protest, that I was too young and too immature to know better than them, so my job then and there was to simply cheerfully obey and let them worry about the morality of the decision. 

 

Similarly, a wife was not to attempt to formulate her own morality for herself - that was her husband’s job. She could, if he delegated the job to her, formulate the morality to be imposed on the children (and my mom did and continues to do that), but the responsibility for determining the family morality was vested in the man, not the woman. 

 

A woman could, in theory, refuse to commit a sin she was commanded to commit, but as with children, this was illusory: by definition if the husband were in good standing in the cult, then he was right, and she was wrong. In practice, a woman could only challenge a husband who was either an unbeliever or the “wrong” sort of Christian. (Meaning a non-believer, in practice.)

 

To the wife, her husband is, for all intents and purposes, God himself. 

 

But wait! The husband/father also outsourced his morality!

 

This could happen in a few ways. The man could be expected to submit to church leadership (pastor or elders or both.) He could also be expected to adopt the morality of a parachurch organization, like, say Focus on the Family. Or Bill Gothard. 

 

To the layperson, the religious authority is, for all intents and purposes, God himself.

 

The most indirect version of this was outsourcing morality to the ideology. This is mostly how it went for my parents. 

 

Our church history was pretty messy (I may talk about that in another post) for reasons that weren’t their fault, so particularly during their embrace of Gothard’s cult, there wasn’t really a consistent church authority. About the time I left home, they started drifting away from Gothard’s organization, but retained the general ideology - and indeed the ideology is far bigger than Gothard or any one person. 

 

The ideology itself is theopolitical - it is a marriage of religion and politics, with the politics driving the religion. 

 

The specifics of this theopolitical ideology are beyond the scope of this particular post, but I have discussed it all over this blog through the years: patriarchy, white supremacy, classism, anti-LGBTQ+ bigotry, xenophobia, and so on. It is all about maintaining historical hierarchies. (I hope to get into this in a future post.)

 

For those who outsource their morality to this theopolitical ideology, it becomes their idol - it is, for all intents and purposes, the voice of God himself. 

 

***

 

Outsourcing Morality to an Ideology is Still Outsourcing Morality to Other Humans

 

The lure of outsourcing morality to an ideology is obvious: because it isn’t exactly an identifiable human being, it is easy to think of it as somehow above human nature. 

 

“Hey, don’t blame me! I’m just following [my religion, God, the Bible or other holy book…]”

But it is really just outsourcing morality to other humans. 

 

At best, outsourcing morality by claiming to “just follow the Bible” is to outsource morality to humans who have been dead for over 1000 years. 

 

But of course, it isn’t just them. 

 

As I discussed in this post, there are at least five layers of humanity involved in our interpretations of scripture. And that includes the modern-day humans who invented most of the specific Modern American Conservative Evangelical doctrines and practice. (Hat tip to my friend D.N. for that term.)

 

Outsourcing morality to ideology like this simply complicates the chain of humans, but it doesn’t eliminate it. The result is still the same: rather than owning one’s morality, taking responsibility for it, and defending it just like any other belief, outsourcing allows you to avoid responsibility for beliefs and actions, blaming someone else. 

 

Or, to use a modern example: “I was just following orders.”

 The Nuremburg Trials, where the Nazis tried this defense - which is now called the Nuremburg Defense.

***

 

The Reason Authoritarians Outsource Morality is to Convince People to Commit Evil

 

In the last post, I noted that the perfect concentration camp guard is the one who gives instant, cheerful, unquestioning obedience to an authority. 

 

The point of authoritarianism’s outsourcing of morality is to remove the natural (and in the view of some of us, God-given) checks on evil behavior. 

 

Specifically, authoritarianism demands you ignore your intellect, your experience, and even your conscience. And forget about empathy: empathy is actually a sin according to authoritarians. 

 

Rather, morality is simply obeying your authority - “I was just following orders.”

 

While most of us haven’t (yet) been expected to support concentration camps and ethnic cleansing (although Trump has called for them), many of us have been expected to put aside our own consciences and sense of morality by outsourcing them to our parents. 

 

Just some of my own examples:

Music

 

I briefly pushed back on Gothard’s teachings on music on the grounds that they were racist as hell - and they are - but got pretty thoroughly slapped down by my parents. After trying to believe their beliefs for a while, I gave up and just didn't talk about it anymore. But rejecting the cultural contributions of African Americans is straight-up racist. And it is wrong.

Misogyny

 

One of the biggest fights with my parents as an adult has been over gender roles. I refused to even ask my wife to quit her job and be a stay-at-home mom, because I do not believe that is moral. My mom in particular demanded that my wife and I outsource our morality on this issue to her. You can add in toxic beliefs about female bodies and a number of other issues, where we were expected to obey my parents rather than think for ourselves. We had the audacity to take responsibility for our own morality - and when we did, we realized we could most certainly not agree with my parents. 

Anti-LGBTQ+ bigotry

 

I have talked a lot about this since we left organized religion, and no longer have to keep our mouths shut about this. After our former pastor demanded that we all refuse to let empathy get in the way of ideology, I knew I could no longer even pretend to be anything other than affirming. 

 

This is, in my opinion, one of the great moral issues of our time, and, like slavery before it, conservative religion is utterly failing the moral test. (The biggest, however, is Trump - and evangelicals are utterly failing this moral test, exactly for the reasons I note in this post: he represents to them “legitimate” authority, as well as a way to outsource their immoral politics rather than own them.) 

 

This is an area of morality that I now refuse to outsource to any person or ideology. Particularly not an ideology deeply rooted in a misogynistic view of women and sexuality. I see no reason I should have to ignore my intellect, my empathy, and my conscience just because a bunch of ancient people who thought men could freely rape their slaves had an issue with gay sex. 

 

Racism and Xenophobia

 

My relationship with my father began to disintegrate rapidly the moment I started calling him out on his racist politics. A particularly shocking moment is when he dropped the appalling comment, “I don’t like Trump’s style, but at least he is finally doing something about the Hispanic problem.” I tried to walk away in disgust, and he dug out a psychological technique he used on me since childhood, demanding that I look him in the eye and continue to engage. For the first time in my life, I refused to be cowed, and pushed back. And later went public with that statement since there was no repentance on his part. 

 

Because I did so, my parents cut me out of their lives. As it turns out, I was expected to outsource that part of my morality to them rather than think for myself and, well, talk back, rather than instantly, cheerfully, and unquestioningly concur. (This is the reason they gave, but there are others, in my opinion: when my kid came out as transgender, they didn’t want any pushback on their bigotry from me; and I made official my decision that I would no longer engage with my narcissist sister, and since they are her narcissistic supply…take a guess how that went.)

 

It is fascinating to me that being opposed to gay sex and refusing to acknowledge that sex and gender are complicated has become the big litmus test for “true Christianity” while issues that can be found in the Torah, the Prophets, the teachings of Christ, and the Epistles such as welcoming the immigrant are so easily abandoned. 

 

The thing that makes me saddest about all this is that my parents taught me good moral values back in the day. 

 

I learned that one must oppose racism in all its forms, including systemic racism. I was taught that embracing immigrants and refugees was not merely a core American value, but a core Christian one. 

 

I was taught that God valued women for far more than their reproductive systems - and that unmarried or childless women were equally valuable to God and society. 

 

I was taught to live in peace with our LGBTQ+ neighbors - who are some of my earliest memories. 

 

I was taught that math and science were important, not conspiracies against truth. I was taught critical thinking and the importance of questioning authority. 

 

Until.

 

At some point, my parents outsourced their morality. Not just to a church, but to certain influential leaders. And also to a political party and its propaganda wing. 

 

Over time, their beliefs and values and actions changed dramatically, until many were the polar opposite of what they taught me. 

 

It wasn’t that the Bible changed. Or that they had some intellectual epiphany. Nope.

 

What changed was that their religious tribe increasingly embraced reactionary politics. These days, the easiest way to predict their beliefs is to scroll through the Fox News headlines. Or to look at what the latest xenophobic hate charlatans like notorious sodomite James Dobson (one of the OG Authoritarian Parenting gurus) are spewing. 

 

When they decided to outsource their morality to this toxic combination of religious leaders and political movements, they surrendered their ability to think for themselves and act morally. To quote Camus again:

 

“In short, all flee real responsibility, the effort of being consistent or of having an opinion of one's own, in order to take refuge in the parties or groups that will think for them, express their anger for them, and make their plans for them."

 

***

 

Outsourcing Morality Prevents Proper Moral Development

 

There are a number of different frameworks that psychologists and philosophers have created to describe healthy moral development in humans. I think one of the simplest is particularly helpful in understanding why authoritarian thinking stunts moral growth. 

 

Our earliest form of morality is that of authority. We as toddlers obey our parents because they give us rules to follow. At a time when human children are differentiating themselves from their parents and others, it is normal to push against these rules and find a degree of separation. 

 

This isn’t evil, but it is normal human development. That doesn’t mean rules are bad, but pushing against them isn’t bad either. 

 

Next comes empathy. Having separated from other humans and developed a healthy sense of self, a child has to shed their normal infantile narcissism and come to see other humans as existing as themselves, not merely in relation to the child. In this phase of development, it is healthy to grow to understand the feelings and inner life of others. 

 

Finally, as we grow into adulthood, we learn to synthesize empathy and intellect and understand how the rules we humans create serve the needs of society and peace among humans. At this stage, we can question whether the rules we have actually serve these needs, or if they merely enable the powerful to oppress the weak. We can then formulate a true ethical framework that leads to improvement in our morality and can indeed lead to the creation of a better world. 

 

Religious Authoritarian Parenting seeks to skip the middle phase, cutting empathy out of the equation. 

 

Instead, rules and authority are seen as the sole basis of morality - obey your parents and approved authorities and you are doing right. 

 

To the limited extent adults are permitted to exercise the third phase, they are to do so without empathy, and merely look to extrapolate the same rules into new and increasingly legalistic and cruel forms. 

 

***

 

Growing Up Under Religious Authoritarian Parenting

 

All of us who grew up under Religious Authoritarian Parenting know some of the epithets directed at us. Particularly for children like the boy I was, who wouldn’t entirely bend under the demands of authority. 

 

“Strong Willed” - James Dobson literally wrote a whole book directed at us, and how a parent could more effectively break our wills. My parents gave me this book when we had children. I made sure it ended up in a landfill rather than in a used bookstore where it could lead to child abuse.

 

“Independent Spirit” - There is nothing worse a child could be called than this, at least within the Gothard system. Having an independent spirit was the equivalent of being a Satan worshiper - it was an utter rejection of God. I was regularly accused of this.

 

“Self-Governed” - a friend recently mentioned that their father considered this the worst thing a child could be. Nothing could be more “despicable or hell-worthy.”

 

Think about those terms. 

 

Why the hell is it a bad thing to have a strong will? - which is nothing more or less than a strong sense of self, and confidence in one’s own conscience and ability to think. 

 

What on earth is wrong with having an independent spirit? - self-reliance is practically an American given, sometimes to a pathological level, of course. But isn’t the goal for all of us to be able to think for ourselves, to function as adults rather than dependent children? 

 

And aren’t people who fail to become able to govern themselves rather dangerous and pathological? I mean, self-control is literally one of the Fruit of the Spirit, and a crucial and necessary part of developing into a healthy human. 

 

This gives the whole game away, doesn’t it?

 

The point is as I have stated: to create humans who outsource their morality rather than learn to distinguish right from wrong on their own. 

 

Again: to create human robots that psychopathic leaders can exploit and use as their minions to do evil. “I was just following orders.” That’s really all it is. 

 

***

 

My Parents’ Devolution

 

As I noted above, my parents’ devolution was gradual - their parenting gradually became less nurturing and more authoritarian as I got older - which is the opposite of how it should have been. “Because I said so” is literally necessary sometimes when dealing with an irrational toddler. But it is rarely if ever appropriate for teens. At that point, you either convince your child using logic and empathy and ethics….or they are going to just go behind your back as soon as they are able. 

 

What my parents don’t really realize about me is just how incredibly hard I tried to follow the rules, to subordinate my will to them, and so on. I really did. I even said things I didn’t (deep down) believe, to both make them happy and to try to convince myself they were right. 

 

But I never really could outsource my morality. My sense of justice, of ethics, and of empathy was too strong. Yes, I had my embarrassing Rush Limbaugh phase, and I continued in Evangelicalism until age 40 - I’m not going to claim that I always got it right - but as an adult, I chose to own my own beliefs, to refuse to outsource my morality, and to listen to my own reason and conscience. If I was wrong, I was going to be wrong because I chose it, rather than put the blame for my bad choices on someone or something else. 

 

As an adult - one who is rapidly approaching a half century old - it has come to pass that my conflicts with my parents didn’t end when I grew up, but have instead increased to the point where estrangement has resulted. 

 

And each and every one of our conflicts has, at its core, been about morality - and who has the power to determine morality. Do I (and my wife and kids) have the power and right to determine my own morality in light of my own intellect and conscience? Or must I subordinate my morality to my parents and the “authorities” they follow? Will I and my family be free to live our lives as our consciences lead us, without harassment, disapproval, and estrangement? Or is love and approval conditioned on our being clones – religious, cultural, and especially political – of my parents?

 

As I noted above, these questions found application in the core areas of my life, such as how my wife and I divided up necessary duties such as breadwinning, childcare, and housework; how we chose to raise our children; whether we accepted our LGBTQ+ children at all; and whether we had to tolerate bigoted and hateful opinions directed against our fellow human beings without protest. 

 

As it turns out, my parents utterly failed at breaking my will, and causing me to outsource my morality to them or anyone else. I will not bend the knee, and I refuse to submit again to slavery. I will work out through constant practice the moral and ethical issues that face me. 

 

And I will center “Love Your Neighbor As Yourself” as the center of Christian - and indeed moral - practice. 

 

***

 

The Grave Responsibility of Grace and Freedom

 

As Camus and Saint Paul understood, Grace and Freedom are not easy. To take responsibility for one’s own beliefs and actions is the essence of being a fully mature and ethical human being. 

 

To hide behind the law, to hide behind rules, to hide behind authority - that is easy. It takes no thought, it asks no empathy, and it requires no responsibility. 

 

It is also feels so very safe and comforting. To never have grave self-doubt, to never wonder whether you picked good or evil in a given situation, to never worry that you might be held accountable for your choices. Outsourcing your morality creates the cozy illusion that you can't possibly be wrong - you just believed what those who spoke for God told you.  

I know this is one reason my parents were so drawn to authoritarian religion. This promise of certainty, of rightness. All they had to do was obey and believe, and everything would work out for them.

 

But to say, “I believe this because I chose to” is to accept the responsibility to make sure that your beliefs are good and not evil. It is to acknowledge that if your beliefs are damaging others, then you are to blame. Not God. Not your parents. Not your religion. Not your political ideology. You. 

 

If you choose to believe that women should be relegated to the home, and denied full political, social, and economic equality, own it. Don’t blame God for that. You chose to believe that. Just admit you don’t think women are fully human and thus don’t have the right to choose their own lives.

 

If you choose to believe that we should persecute and marginalize LGBTQ+ people, own it. Don’t blame God for that. You chose to believe that. Just admit you hate them and want to harm them. 

 

If you choose to believe that people of different ethnicities should be left to starve outside our borders, own it. Don’t make up shit to deflect from your own selfishness. And don’t claim Christ taught that shit. You chose to believe that. Just admit you don’t give a rat’s ass about their well being. 

 

Only once we stop outsourcing our morality, and start taking responsibility for it, can we actually have a truthful and productive discourse about how to balance the needs of a diverse humanity, and truly love our neighbors - ALL of them. Even if they don't believe the same as you, or agree to outsource their morality to the same authorities.