Source of
book: Borrowed from the library.
Every March
for the past 7 years, I have read a selection for Women’s History Month. I have
generally chosen works connected with Feminism. Although demonized by the Cultural Fundamentalist
circles I was raised in (and sadly by an increasingly reactionary and
fundamentalist Evangelicalism as well), it really shouldn’t be controversial.
Feminism is simply this:
The
Cultural, Political, and Economic Equality of men and women.
Of course,
the problem with this for many is that this idea is anathema to them. Their
worldview depends on a structural inequality of the sexes, one where men control the institutions of power and the money we use as a means of exchange.
In order to justify this, they cling to ideas of a congenital inferiority of women
(whatever euphemisms they use to deny this), whereby women are unfit for
leadership, or even control of their own lives
and destinies.
Here are my
selections for previous years:
A Vindication of the Rights of
Women by Mary Wollstonecraft (2015)
The Handmaid’s Tale
by Margaret Atwood (2016)
Woman Lawyer: The Trials of Clara
Foltz by Barbara Babcock (2017)
The Home-Maker
by Dorothy Canfield Fisher (2018)
The House of Mirth
by Edith Wharton (2019)
***
For this
year, I decided to read Adichie’s short book - pamphlet really - adapted from
her marvelous TED talk.
I was already pretty familiar with it, but wanted to check and see if it was
something that I would put on my list to recommend.
The thing
that rings the most true about Adichie’s experiences as detailed in the book is
the way that “Feminism” is used as an epithet. It certainly was in my family,
sadly. The ironic thing is that my dad is actually a feminist in practice, most
of the time: he has never believed certain things were “women’s work,” he
vigorously enforced policies against sexual harassment when he was a
supervisor, and I have never known him to do anything inappropriate toward a
woman. So it really was disheartening to hear him, even recently, complain that
feminism had ruined everything. Sigh.
I used to
believe kind of the same thing, because I bought the Fundie/Conservative
bullshit about what Feminism was really about. You know, man hating, humorless,
whatever. And also, it was easier to believe that most (secretly all) women
wanted to be stay at home mothers rather than work, because biology, when the
women closest to me said that was what they wanted.
The thing
is, having strong women as music teachers kind of made that seem silly. And
then, once I got into law, well, the whole thing fell apart. And that was
before I met my wife…
Anyway, here
are some highlights.
But I remember that as I argued and
argued, Okoloma looked at me and said, “You know, you’re a feminist.”
It was not a complement. I could tell
from his tone -- the same tone with which a person would say, “You’re a
supporter of terrorism.”
Unfortunately,
this is still a problem. I am now an open feminist, but that means that I am
looked on like a serial killer in certain circles. Usually, this is because of
the lies about feminism which are believed as (literally) gospel truth. I love
this bit in the book:
Anyway, since feminism was un-African,
I decided I would now call myself a Happy African Feminist. Then a dear friend
told me that calling myself a feminist meant that I hated men. So I decided I
would now be a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men. At some point I
was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men And Who Likes To Wear Lip
Gloss And High Heels For Herself And Not For Men.
Of course much of this was
tongue-in-cheek, but what it shows is how that word feminist is so heavy
with baggage, negative baggage: you hate men, you hate bras, you hate African
culture, you think women should always be in charge, you don’t wear make-up,
you don’t shave, you’re always angry, you don’t have a sense of humour, you
don’t use deodorant.
In my case,
instead of “African,” use “Christian.” Because in those circles, gender roles
and gender essentialism have become core beliefs of the religion.
Another bit
that really stood out was this one.
We spend too much time teaching girls
to worry about what boys think of them. But the reverse is not the case. We
don’t teach boys to care about being likeable. We spend too much time telling
girls that they cannot be angry or aggressive or tough, which is bad enough,
but then we turn around and either praise or excuse men for the same reasons.
All over the world, there are so many magazine articles and books telling women
what to do, how to be and not to be, in order to attract or please men. There
are far fewer guides for men about pleasing women.
True story:
before my wife and I were dating, she visited us, riding with a family member
who stopped by a neighbor’s briefly. We heard later that she (who was my
grandmother’s age) told my mom, “she seemed really sweet until she opened her
mouth.” And that is kind of how it has been. Amanda is not concerned about
making men like her. She isn’t interested in playing the femininity game. She
doesn’t dress based on what men think, and doesn’t particularly care about
“likeability.” This has, alas, caused unnecessary friction with my family. As
has this one:
I know a woman who hates domestic work,
but she pretends she likes it, because she has been taught that to be ‘good
wife material’, she has to be -- to use that Nigerian word -- homely.
And then she got married. And her husband’s family began to complain that she
had changed. Actually, she had not changed. She just got tired of pretending to
be what she was not.
Not that
Amanda ever pretended, but there is this expectation that women pretend that
their greatest joy in life is childcare and housework. She refused to pretend
to be who she was not. Like Dorothy Sayers, Adichie homes in on the core issue:
The problem with gender is that it
prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing how we are. Imagine
how much happier we would be, how freer to be our true individual selves, if we
didn’t have the weight of gender expectations.
And that is exactly
what feminism is about.
Adichie also
notes that sexism also hurts men, who are taught to be hard, violent, and so
on, so they are “not like a woman.” I also loved that she noted the connection
between masculinity and money. A man’s worth is measured by his paycheck, which
leaves lower income males seeking to prove their manliness through other, less
beneficial means.
I also
recognized Amanda in another passage.
A Nigerian acquaintance once asked me
if I was worried that men would be intimidated by me.
I was not worried at all -- it had not
even occurred to me to be worried, because a man who would be intimidated by me
is exactly the kind of man I would have no interest in.
This is one
hundred percent Amanda. One reason she liked me was that I am not intimidated
by strong women. Actually, I rather like strong women. I like working with
them, because they don’t play stupid manipulative games. I like competence.
Just saying.
One final
bit that struck me was this one.
Some people ask, ‘Why the word feminist?
Why not just say you are a believer in human rights, or something like that?’
Because that would be dishonest. Feminism is, of course, part of human rights
in general -- but to choose to use the vague expression human rights is
to deny the specific and particular problem of gender. It would be a way of
pretending that it was not women who have, for centuries, been excluded. It
would be a way of denying that the problem of gender targets women. That the
problem was not about being human, but specifically about being a female human.
For centuries, the world divided human beings into two groups and then
proceeded to exclude and oppress one group. It is only fair that the solution
to the problem should acknowledge that.
And that is
the crux of the problem with the denialism so trendy in right wing circles
right now. On a related note, the “all lives matter” bullshit didn’t arise
until “black lives matter.” This nonsense about being concerned for all rights
is just a deflection whenever an excluded group protests.
Adichie is
right: we should all be feminists. And we should be clear what it means
to not be a feminist as well. It is nothing less than opposition to
social, economic, and political equality for women.
***
As
I write this, much of our state is being shut down to try to slow the spread of
the Covid-19 virus. The effect on our family will be that Amanda (who is an ICU
nurse) will likely be working a lot of extra shifts to keep our healthcare
system functioning. I, on the other hand, will essentially lose a couple months
of income. That means that our roles (which are already more egalitarian than
most) will have to shift. She will be the primary breadwinner, and I will have
to take over most of the household duties. Not a big deal for us, because I don’t
measure my worth in dollars, or believe housework is beneath me. And she knows
that I respect her career and will support her 100% through this crisis.
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