Source of book: Audiobook from the library
Another long camping trip, another Terry Pratchett audiobook. A tradition since 2015! We have listened to quite a few of them over the years. The complete list is at the end of this post, and you can also find links in the various indexes on this site.
Pyramids is the first in the “Ancient Civilizations” series, which consists of this novel, Small Gods - which is one of the best books Pratchett ever wrote - and a short story, “Death and What Comes Next.” Again, Small Gods is a brilliant, fantastic, perceptive book, and one that I think everyone should read.
Pyramids came first by a few years, and shows some of the strains of thought that Pratchett would develop far more in Small Gods, from his perceptive critiques of religion and philosophy to his ideas about the possible afterlives. As such, it is as entertaining as a Discworld book should be, and thought-provoking like all of Pratchett’s books, but perhaps not as jaw-droppingly amazing as the sequel would be. It does, however, seem relevant on multiple points today, including the ludicrousness of “preemptive” war.
As the title suggests, the book is set in the Discworld equivalent of Ancient Egypt, the ludicrously punny Djelibeybi. It too is dependent on a flooding river, and stands between two other larger countries as a buffer.
It also has a panoply of gods, who, because this is Discworld, actually exist (so long as someone believes in them), but are best kept out of everyday life, because they just muck everything up.
The hero of the story is Teppic (short for Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King), a young man coming of age. And yes, that absurd series of titles is played to great humorous effect in the book.
Not all is well in Djelibeybi. The building of pyramids is a very expensive endeavor, and it has bankrupted the kingdom.
“The only curse they could afford to put on a tomb these days was “Bugger Off.””
So, Teppic is sent off to learn a trade. His maternal uncle, Vert, convinces the royal parents to send him to train as an assassin - Discworld assassins have their own guild and university program - like his uncle.
Teppic actually finds all of this a lot more fun than sitting around Djelibeybi as a royal heir.
But, problems find him in Ankh-Morpork too. His dad, who occasionally imagines himself as a seagull, has an episode in which he attempts to fly like one, with predictable gravitational results, and Teppic finds he has a kingdom to rule.
It does not go well. The high priest, Dios, who is older than anyone can remember, believes in tradition. Which includes the tradition that Dios is the one who actually rules the country.
Let’s see, what else happens in this book that I can reveal without too many spoilers?
Oh yes. It seems pyramids are actually spacetime devices that have to occasionally flare off the excess built-up time, or things go wrong in Djelibeybi. When Teppicymon XXVII does his seagull impression, the greatest pyramid of all is constructed using mystical methods. This is done by the engineering firm of Ptaclusp. Which consists of Ptaclusp and his two sons, IIa and IIb. (And yes, in fact, this does lead to a bunch of Hamlet puns. This is Pratchett, after all…)
Anyway, the giant pyramid is too powerful, and ends up twisting spacetime by 90 degrees, separating it from the rest of Discworld, and causing all kinds of trouble. Including all of those thoroughly inconvenient gods showing up in person.
Meanwhile, Teppic finally has enough with Dios making terrible decisions on his behalf when a beautiful “handmaid” (yes, that’s a Margaret Atwood reference), Ptraci, refuses to be buried with XXVII in his pyramid, and runs afoul of Dios’ death decree.
So, he puts on his assassin’s gear, and smuggles her out of the prison.
From there, we get an extended stop in Ephebe, the Discworld equivalent of Ancient Greece, filled with philosophy, science, and general silliness. (Ephebe will play a role in Small Gods as well.) And also, the world’s greatest mathematician, who happens to be an ill-tempered camel (aren’t they all?) named You Bastard.
How will Teppic get things straightened out? Does he really have to rule this kingdom? And will XXVII ever be allowed to rest in peace?
How many jokes about Greek mythology can fit in one book? (My youngest is reading the Iliad and Odyssey right now, and snorted her way through this book.)
What I can say without risk of spoiling anything is that the journey will be fun, hilarious, but also seriously thoughtful. And that there will be a lot of terrible puns and jokes and cultural references. I mean, a book that parodies Ancient Egypt, particle physics, and philosophy? You bet!
I am availing myself once again of the interwebs to find the quotes that I can’t write down while driving.
“Mere animals couldn’t possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.”
Exactly right. So why do we say “acting like an animal” when humans are acting evil in a way animals never do?
“People needed to believe in gods, if only because it was so hard to believe in people.”
Yeah, that one is true too.
“The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they soon realized that the most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendants not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships or being patronized rigid by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it. So they long ago plumped for a lifestyle that, in return for a certain amount of porterage and being prodded with sticks, allowed them adequate food and grooming and the chance to spit in a human's eye and get away with it.”
That’s at least plausible. And You Bastard is certainly a great character.
“It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.”
And in the United States too, if you think about it. Related is the explanation of the creed of the Assassin’s Guild:
“We do not murder," he said. It was a soft voice; the doctor never raised his voice, but he had a way of giving it the pitch and spin that could make it be heard through a hurricane.
"We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage, or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all these reasons are in the highest degree suspect.
“Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears should catch the clink of evil’s scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language.
“No, we do it for the money.
'And, because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money.
'There can be few cleaner motives, so shorn of all pretense.
'Nil mortifi, sine lucre. Remember. No killing without payment.'
He paused for a moment.
'And always give a receipt,' he added.”
More on life and death:
“When you die, the first thing you lose is your life. The next thing is your illusions.”
And this grammar joke that I can’t leave out:
“Broadly, therefore, the three even now lurching across the deserted planks of the Brass Bridge were dead drunk assassins and the men behind them were bent on inserting the significant comma.”
Some of the good lines aren’t jokes, though. This one is entirely serious.
“The role of listeners has never been fully appreciated. However, it is well known that most people don’t listen. They use the time when someone else is speaking to think of what they’re going to say next. True Listeners have always been revered among oral cultures, and prized for their rarity value; bards and poets are ten a cow, but a good Listener is hard to find, or at least hard to find twice.”
On the other hand, this conversation is comedic GOLD:
“What’s Ephebe like?” said Ptraci.
“I’ve never been there. Apparently it’s ruled by a Tyrant.”
“I hope we don’t meet him, then”
Teppic shook his head. “It’s not like that,” he said. “They have a new Tyrant every five years and they do something to him first.” He hesitated. “I think they ee-lect him.”
“Is that something like they do to tomcats and bulls and things?”
“Er.”
“You know. To make them stop fighting and be more peaceful.”
Teppic winced. “To be honest, I’m not sure,” he said. “But I don’t think so. They’ve got something they do it with, I think it’s called a mocracy, and it means everyone in the whole country can say who the new Tyrant is. One man, one—” He paused. The political history lesson seemed a very long while ago, and had introduced concepts never heard of in Djelibeybi or in Ankh-Morpork, for that matter. He had a stab at it anyway. “One man, one vet.”
“That’s for the eelecting, then?”
He shrugged. It might be, for all he knew. “The point is, though, that everyone can do it. They’re very proud of it. Everyone has—” he hesitated again, certain now that things were amiss—“the vet. Except for women, of course. And children. And criminals. And slaves. And stupid people. And people of foreign extractions. And people disapproved of for, er, various reasons. And lots of other people. But everyone apart from them. It’s a very enlightened civilization.”
On a more serious note:
“No one is more worried by the actual physical manifestation of a god than his priests; it's like having the auditors in unexpectedly.”
As I said, the seeds of the ideas that would be used to such amazing effect in Small Gods are in this book. And yes, most religious leaders today would utterly lose their shit if their gods actually showed up.
“I mean, we think we believe that the gods are wise and just and powerful, but what we really believe is that they are like our father after a long day.”
There’s more:
“The king nodded. “What are the priests doing about this?” he said.
“I saw them throwing one another in the river, sir.”
The king nodded again. “That sounds about right,” he said. “They’ve come to their senses at last.”
And even more:
“People normally keep out of the way of assassins because of an instinctive feeling that killing people for very large sums of money is disapproved of by the gods (who generally prefer people to be killed for very small sums of money or for free) and could result in hubris, which is the judgment of the gods. The gods are great believers in justice, at least as far as it extends to humans, and have been known to dispense it so enthusiastically that people miles away are turned into a cruet.”
Pratchett saw all too well how fundamentalist religion worked. This bit from Ptraci shows how far the death-cult ideas run. (And yes, fundamentalist evangelicalism is very much a death cult. All religions based on authoritarianism are.)
“I—I don’t want to die,” she said quietly. “Don’t blame you.” “You mustn’t say that! It’s wrong not to want to die!”
Before that, you can see the way religion of this sort gaslights:
“The king will have you put to death anyway. Surely it is better to go honorably, to a worthy life in the Netherworld?” “I don’t want to be a servant in the Netherworld!” There was a groan of horror from the assembled priests.”
Another observation:
“Enthusiastic soldiers with no fighting to do soon get bored and start thinking dangerous thoughts, like how much better they could run the country.”
A money line that sure sounds like “Whiskey” Pete Kegsbreath justifying Trump’s invasion of Iran:
“If we don't attack them, they'll attack us first,` said Ibid.
`S'right,` said Xeno. `So we'd better retaliate before they have a chance to strike.”
A good jibe at philosophers:
“Teppic stared into his wine mug. These men are philosophers, he thought. They had told him so. So their brains must be so big that they have room for ideas that no-one else would consider for five seconds.”
And at science:
“Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so they don't upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the Marie Celeste, and the chuck keys from electric drills.”
And how about this most excellent retort:
“Teppic drew himself up. He was getting fed up with this treatment. “Kiddo? I’ll have you know the blood of pharaohs runs in my veins!” The other boy looked at him unabashed, with his head on one side and a faint smile on his face. “Would you like it to stay there?” he said.”
There are probably more pithy quotes that I can’t remember or find, but those are enough for one post. I highly recommend reading Terry Pratchett, in any case. Pyramids can stand by itself as a story, but I think it is helpful to read earlier Discworld books to understand the greater universe in which it takes place.
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The complete Terry Pratchett list:
Rincewind:
Tiffany Aching:
Witches:
Watch:
Guards! Guards! (Stupid abridged edition, which is an abomination unto Nuggan and everyone else.)
Industrial Revolution:
Death:
Ancient Civilizations:
Non-Discworld:



